The Office Seating Plan

Our department has spent the summer on vacation in a moribund part of the Town Hall due to our new offices not yet being "quite ready" (euphemistic term meaning "no carpet, no desks, no computers - nuffink").

Rather like people moving house who forget to put the kettle somewhere handy; our temporary occupation has meant that for two months no-one has had the slightest clue where anything useful is to be located. Hours are wasted daily, as staff hunt for the Sellotape dispenser, the signing-in book, and the stapler with viciously large staples. Even quite substantial items not that easy to misplace - like the guillotine -  have managed to evade our searching gazes.

But now there is news!

Apparently we shall all be moving into our permanent home at the end of the month. Which means that Ex-Army Man has been industriously working upon something extremely important. He is putting together The Office Seating Plan.

New Boss is unprepared for the deputations and protestations which this exercise immediately generates, and grumpily washes his hands of it all very early on, pronouncing that all enquiries on the matter must be directed to Deputy Boss or Line Manager.

I can't help feeling he doesn't quite "get" the importance of this. I mean, my God ! Upon TOSP, the future happiness and mental well being of his entire workforce stands. And if New Boss stops to think about it, he must surely realise that in a normal healthy office, no-one would really be that fussed about the TOSP.

Not so with us! Because we are very faaaaaaaar from being a normal healthy office....

- Spiteful Manager doesn't want to sit next to Maternal Colleague
- Life Coach Colleague doesn't want to sit within 5 yards of Ex-Army Man
- Low Profile Colleague doesn't want to sit on any table with a hotdesk
- Private Colleague expresses a wish to avoid noisy people
- Shy Colleague wants to stay close to Life Coach Colleague
- Stylish Female Colleague needs to sit near her assistant
- And no-one wants to sit with their back to The Jackals....

Ex-Army Man approaches me, waving the plan officiously. He spreads it out on my desk (rustle, rustle) and smooths it over with a military hand.

"We're putting you here," he harrumphs noisily.
I look at where he is indicating.
A two desk unit, situated away from the other blocks of four.
My name written beside the left hand desk.
And by the right hand desk, another name. The name Remora.

I fall back on the Standard Emergency Response.
"Mmmmmmmm" I say.
"So that's the plan," says Ex-Army Man. "You don't have a problem with it do you?"
"Mmmmmmmm" I say again.

I could say "are you f***ing deranged, Ex-Army Man? You, more than anyone, know that Remora has been the ringleader of the orchestrated bullying campaign which has blighted my life for the past 2 years. You know that she meddled her way into my grievance against Line Manager, and actually appeared at his Disciplinary Hearing as a character witness on his behalf ! You know that I spend my entire working day avoiding her, and doing everything possible to not get drawn into her weirdly sociopathic world. And you think I am going to be comfortable with her sitting next to me......?"

But I just say "Mmmmmmmm".

Later I go and see Line Manager. I tell him politely what the situation is. I tell him that if The Office Seating Plan (Current Version) is approved; then this will, in effect, prevent me from working in my own department ever again. And that I wonder if he might, please, intervene.

When I go to the Ladies Loo after this conversation (needing time out, you understand) I catch sight of myself in the mirror and see that I am looking more than a little strained and white around the gills.

My state of tension appears for once to have transmitted itself to Line Manager.

At the day's end, Ex-Army  asks for another word. He tells me (rather sulkily, tsk tsk) that I have now been placed on a block of four desks, the other three of which are inhabited by Decent People.

"Mmmmmmmm" I say.
MMMMMMMM !!!