I Just Don't Get It

I can cope with most things in life these days.

I coped when my father died - clearing out his flat, organising his funeral, and reading the eulogy. I coped with: appearing in court to speak about an assault I witnessed on a train, helping to look after my sick neighbour until sadly she died, and taking care of my elderly mother-in-law. And at the moment, I am coping with an upsetting legal dispute initiated by the man-next-door and coping with all the demands of my job.

But I really struggle to cope with people being nasty to me....

It's embarrassing to admit it given my advancing years, but I am still clinging to the naive belief that if I am pleasant and helpful to people, they will be nice back. And it's even more embarrassing to admit that when they aren't, I enter into a state akin to shock...

When I first realised that a colleague I had supported throughout the terminal illness of a close relative was doing impressions of me behind my back for the amusement of The Jackals, I had a head-spinning moment of disbelief. And I felt overwhelmed with shame.

It took months for me to realise that part of the shame I felt was for him.

People being nasty is baffling enough, but OMG - during the disciplinary procedures I discovered that they did even worse things. I discovered that:

PEOPLE TELL LIES ! - without turning a hair.
PEOPLE MEDDLE ! - in matters which have nothing to do with them
PEOPLE ARE GOVERNED BY A WHOLE SERIES OF MOTIVES ! - and some of them are very very shabby.

I've developed new interests over the past months - amateur theatre, the community choir, going to exhibitions, seeing more of my family and friends. These have given me a new focus and helped me to start enjoying life again. And I've found that between my interests, my work, my home life and service; I am spending the majority of my waking hours fairly profitably.

So I just Don't Get the colleagues whose specialist interest is bullying.

- Who whisper in corners of the office, deriding and mocking people who have never done them any harm.
- Who send each other emails about their co-workers, snickering loudly when they open them
- Who make pointed, bitchy comments designed to cause nothing but upset
- Who actually arrange lunches out so they can better plot and plan how to hurt and humiliate others

It's bewildering, when life is so limitless in its potential, that some of my colleagues choose to exist in so small and airless a vacuum.

There are times (very few I admit) when I almost feel sorry for them.