Practising Avoidance

This week I had to attend a meeting of local stakeholders. I'd organised the meeting, and have known the majority of attendees for over a decade. Unusually, New Boss also attended, to "get to grips" with the personalities and issues affecting my work programme.

So did I feel a flicker of anxiety or nervousness...?

Nope.

The meeting represents two hours of constant thinking on my feet, and responding to queries. On this occasion, I am also sorely pressed by one of the attendees, who decides to challenge me repeatedly. I cope womanfully. Because in normal life, I am a capable, competent and confident person!

But when I am caught in a threatening situation at work, all capability, competence and confidence flies out of the window. And that's a horrible feeling.

So its not surprising that today I find myself practising avoidance techniques.

- I avoid leaving my flat for a while, choosing to flick through Facebook instead.
- I avoid the Town Hall until mid-afternoon
- I avoid walking past Line Manager's desk
- I avoid entering the office until I know who else is in there
- I avoid going anywhere near Spiteful Manager

A few other things interfere with my determination to actually get some work done.

- Life Coach Colleague rings me for a long chat
- My young friend Leslie rings to tell me about her trip away
- Angie rings to tell me how she is feeling following her latest relapse

But I manage to complete the task which is most pressing. I manage to complete my leave request card which ensures that I will not have any untaken leave days this year. Most important.

At the day's end, I email New Boss as he has instructed and make a formal request for an Occupational Health referral (apparently necessary as part of his Process). New Boss replies saying that he has already put matters in train....

I experience one of my usual wobbles, when I wonder if I might not have misjudged New Boss, and that his bluster and bluff actually conceals a person of depth, sensitivity and empathy.

Then I give myself a damn good shake.
And come to my senses.