It's over !
I don't have to attend another "office-wide meeting" for 3 whole months !!
As well as my meticulous and paranoid preparations for said meeting (for blog post click here) I have also confided in 3 colleagues prior to the meeting, admitting to them that I feel extremely stressed about it. Life Coach Colleague, Private Colleague and Maternal Colleague are all aware that I have had a "difficult year" (organisational euphemism for being driven to the point of a Mental Health Episode) and respond protectively, offering to travel to the meeting with me and encouraging me to sit with them.
I feel so grateful that I want to cry.
Upon arrival at the atypical location (New Boss has decided to make office-wide meetings more "interesting" by moving them around the Borough) the first sight that greets my eyes is Remora - chief orchestrator of departmental schisms - standing in the doorway. I manage to say "hi", put my bag and coat down between Life Coach Colleague and Low Profile Colleague, and then do a runner to the Ladies where I try and settle myself. I make sure I have a hairbrush in my hand, so that if anyone comes in I can pretend I am attending to my locks...
2 minutes before the meeting is about to start, I return to my seat. New Boss gives a presentation about the departmental restructuring. I don't hear the early section, because I am reciting "calm, calm, calm" to myself, and with one hand secretly clutching a very small bear which happened to jump into my pocket before I left the house (naturally, this is a coping mechanism which I am unable to share with a single colleague, no matter how much I like them....)
But now the meeting is underway, and everyone is sitting down, I am feeling much safer - so eventually I start to focus. Hmmm. A signficant restructure is indeed underway. Thankfully, it doesn't appear to particularly impact upon me. But it certainly impacts upon some of my colleagues.
New Boss draws to a close, and then invites questions.
This is the point at which some colleagues start looking towards me. I can see the angle of their heads, even though I am looking at the papers on my lap as if totally engrossed in the Committee report in question. They look at me, because they know that whenever I have witnessed an injustice, or an anomaly, or a fault in procedures, I have always ALWAYS spoken up.
But not this time.
I will never put my head above the parapet, or fight anyone else's battles, again.
Never.
So we all sit there, in silence. The 3 people who are most impacted tentatively ask some questions - when is the restructure going to happen, how will it affect job descriptions, are these posts going to be re-evaluated? But no-one else opens their mouth.
New Boss is getting vexed. He is not a man skilled at hiding his feelings and is again wearing his Mr Grumpy expression.
"I invited Personnel to attend this meeting specially" he snaps. "She has come all the way over from the Town Hall. I thought you would all have a lot to say".
The silence continues.
"So that's it, then?" New Boss is incredulous. "No-one has anything else to say??"
Silence.
"Well that's that, then" says New Boss. "Looks like the meeting is over".
Less than 45 minutes have elapsed since I took my seat !
And now I am FREE !!!
I hang around for the minute or two etiquette demands; then join the growing throng which is making its way out of the building. Thanks to my nervous morning preparations, I am hideously behind with my work; but an unexpected wave of energy surges through me. I say heartfelt goodbyes to the colleagues who have supported me, then race back to my own office and work very hard and fast until 7.30pm, managing to tick off every single thing on today's To Do list.
Flexible working.
Sometimes I think it is the only thing which has kept me sane.
Thursday 27 September 2012
Wednesday 26 September 2012
Appropriate Preparations....
The day of the office-wide meeting has finally dawned.
So I get up bright and early to make appropriate preparations...
I am fairly sure that most of my co-workers are preparing for said meeting by reading through the "Staff Re-Structuring" Report which New Boss has taken pains to circulate to us all in advance.
I have printed this report off - true - but apart from registering that Spiteful Manager appears to have been stripped off his entire team, I have been unable to register any of its other contents.
No, my preparations are slightly different....
1. I get up at 5.30am so that I can get to a 7am Support Group meeting. Husband surprises me by wandering into the kitchen just before I leave and saying that he will come too.
2. I spend an hour sitting in a draughty church hall with people like myself. Which isn't quite as grim as it sounds, as although only 9 of us are there in total, 8 of them are extremely wise and entertaining. (I am the exception, as I have Things On My Mind...)
3. I go for breakfast with the speaker at the meeting (someone I have known for 13 years), Husband, and an endearing Kiwi pal of his. I fortify myself for the stressful day ahead with bacon, bubble and beans; plus two toasts and marmalade. Feel thankful I am wearing my old baggy jeans.
5. Returning home, I realise that I can't face an on-site meeting with colleagues from another department, nice thought they are. It will just represent too much running around the Borough and I want to feel very calm before the office-wide meeting. I email my apologies, citing "conflicting work pressures" as the reason. (When the last round of cuts occurred, and departments had 30% of their resources lopped, this became a standard disclaimer when people pulled out of meetings/failed to meet deadlines/didn't deliver what they had committed to. It's the first time I have used it myself, but it feels so liberating! I doubt it will be the last....)
6. I suddenly feel absolutely shattered. I had very little quality sleep last night, as I woke at 3am having had another nightmare - I mean the really disruptive kind, which involved me crying out in my sleep in terror and Husband having to shake me awake. (The nightmares returned 2 days before my holiday ended, when I knew I had to go back to work, and I started having the usual panic about what "they" might have done to me in my absence...)
7. So when I get home this morning, I crawl back into bed and sleep deeply for 45 minutes. Wake feeling a bit better.
8. I don a new frock. I found this 2 months ago on the sale rack in a House of Fraser - it cost under £30 ?! - and have been keeping it in reserve simply so that I can wear it to today's meeting and know that whatever is going on in my head, my outside will look ok.
9. I apply my entire collection of "product" to my bonce; and gell, coiff and blow dry my tresses into an serene and controlled arrangement which looks vaguely like the one on p184 of the October issue of Glamour magazine.
10. I take AGES with my make up, having barely bothered for the Support Group meeting. My friends can see me warts and all ("warts" this morning included spotty chin and my least appealing specs) but I am buggered if I will give The Jackals anything to bitch about. At the last minute, I add a "feline flick" (p 183...)
11. I open up my new book - "Recover Your Balance" by Ann Lewis (another discovery Twitter has facilitated). I read through the first couple of chapters, and am stunned to read the references to Patsy Rodenburg and the 3 Energy States. Wow! I learned about the Energy States in a drama class decades ago, but haven't thought about them for years. The chapter makes a lot of sense to me. I can't wait to read more.
12. Finally, I log onto my laptop and write all this down; so that I have something against which to (hopefully) measure my progress by the time the next office-wide meeting comes around.
Because deep down I know that all these preparations are not "normal". That most of my colleagues won't think about this meeting (much) until the moment we all have to get on the bus and head towards it. But I have developed a chronic, irrational anxiety about this quarterly get-together of co-workers and managers - which of course includes all the department's bullies - and all I need to do now is to get through it.
And then I can come home.
So I get up bright and early to make appropriate preparations...
I am fairly sure that most of my co-workers are preparing for said meeting by reading through the "Staff Re-Structuring" Report which New Boss has taken pains to circulate to us all in advance.
I have printed this report off - true - but apart from registering that Spiteful Manager appears to have been stripped off his entire team, I have been unable to register any of its other contents.
No, my preparations are slightly different....
1. I get up at 5.30am so that I can get to a 7am Support Group meeting. Husband surprises me by wandering into the kitchen just before I leave and saying that he will come too.
2. I spend an hour sitting in a draughty church hall with people like myself. Which isn't quite as grim as it sounds, as although only 9 of us are there in total, 8 of them are extremely wise and entertaining. (I am the exception, as I have Things On My Mind...)
3. I go for breakfast with the speaker at the meeting (someone I have known for 13 years), Husband, and an endearing Kiwi pal of his. I fortify myself for the stressful day ahead with bacon, bubble and beans; plus two toasts and marmalade. Feel thankful I am wearing my old baggy jeans.
5. Returning home, I realise that I can't face an on-site meeting with colleagues from another department, nice thought they are. It will just represent too much running around the Borough and I want to feel very calm before the office-wide meeting. I email my apologies, citing "conflicting work pressures" as the reason. (When the last round of cuts occurred, and departments had 30% of their resources lopped, this became a standard disclaimer when people pulled out of meetings/failed to meet deadlines/didn't deliver what they had committed to. It's the first time I have used it myself, but it feels so liberating! I doubt it will be the last....)
6. I suddenly feel absolutely shattered. I had very little quality sleep last night, as I woke at 3am having had another nightmare - I mean the really disruptive kind, which involved me crying out in my sleep in terror and Husband having to shake me awake. (The nightmares returned 2 days before my holiday ended, when I knew I had to go back to work, and I started having the usual panic about what "they" might have done to me in my absence...)
7. So when I get home this morning, I crawl back into bed and sleep deeply for 45 minutes. Wake feeling a bit better.
8. I don a new frock. I found this 2 months ago on the sale rack in a House of Fraser - it cost under £30 ?! - and have been keeping it in reserve simply so that I can wear it to today's meeting and know that whatever is going on in my head, my outside will look ok.
9. I apply my entire collection of "product" to my bonce; and gell, coiff and blow dry my tresses into an serene and controlled arrangement which looks vaguely like the one on p184 of the October issue of Glamour magazine.
10. I take AGES with my make up, having barely bothered for the Support Group meeting. My friends can see me warts and all ("warts" this morning included spotty chin and my least appealing specs) but I am buggered if I will give The Jackals anything to bitch about. At the last minute, I add a "feline flick" (p 183...)
11. I open up my new book - "Recover Your Balance" by Ann Lewis (another discovery Twitter has facilitated). I read through the first couple of chapters, and am stunned to read the references to Patsy Rodenburg and the 3 Energy States. Wow! I learned about the Energy States in a drama class decades ago, but haven't thought about them for years. The chapter makes a lot of sense to me. I can't wait to read more.
12. Finally, I log onto my laptop and write all this down; so that I have something against which to (hopefully) measure my progress by the time the next office-wide meeting comes around.
Because deep down I know that all these preparations are not "normal". That most of my colleagues won't think about this meeting (much) until the moment we all have to get on the bus and head towards it. But I have developed a chronic, irrational anxiety about this quarterly get-together of co-workers and managers - which of course includes all the department's bullies - and all I need to do now is to get through it.
And then I can come home.
Monday 24 September 2012
Heartfelt Prayers
Cometh the hour, cometh the man !
Ex-Army Man - personally selected by New Boss to organise our office relocation - is reaching the apogee of his mission because the day of the Great Removal is at hand !!!
Entrusting this task to Ex-Army Man has had a disastrous effect upon his personality. It has turned him from an averagely irritating co-worker into a power-crazed tyrant who has a clipboard permanently wedged under his armpit. As a result I now have a secret name for New Boss - Frank. As in Dr Frankenstein. Because New Boss is solely responsible for bringing this monster to life.
At the end of the day, I am typing away industriously when I become dimly aware that a dispute is arising in the office. A dispute involving Ex-Army Man. The dialogue goes like this:
Life Coach Colleague: Ex-Army Man, could this crate please be moved over to Room ***.
Ex-Army Man: Why are you asking me?
LCC: Well, because you are in charge of the office move.
EAM: I'm too busy to talk to you at the moment.
LCC: Oh. Well, who should I talk to about it?
EAM: Aren't you listening to me? I am too busy right now.
LCC: (to the room in general) Does anyone have any Sellotape?
EAM: (getting up from his seat) Why don't you use a stapler? (He has one in his hand, and bangs it repeatedly onto the papers which LCC is trying to secure).
LCC: You didn't need to do that, I was sorting it out myself.
EAM: Ah, well you need to think outside the box.
LCC: Do you think I don't think outside the box then?
EAM: Well some of us have it and some of us don't.
LCC: What did you say?
EAM: Some of us have it and some of us don't.
LCC: That's very rude. I don't see why you have to be so insulting.
EAM: Be quiet.
LCC: Sorry?
EAM: (very loudly) BE QUIET !
At this point, the sense of imminent danger is so great that I am unable to stand any more...
I say quietly:
"Ex-Army Man, Ex-Army Man, Ex-Army Man..."
(I don't, of course, use these exact words. I say "Pete, Pete, Pete" only using his real name).
And I put out my hand and touch Life Coach Colleague gently on the arm, warningly.
And miraculously, things calm down.
Miraculously, because our department is riddled with tensions, and interpersonal problems, and resentments. And it is from such tetchy little interchanges that things have been known to escalate into Massive Screaming Matches....
There's been enough drama in my working life during the past year.
I can't actually cope with any more, even if it isn't mine.
Lord, make me a channel of Thy peace.
And please get this sodding office move over as quickly as You possibly can.
Thank You.
Ex-Army Man - personally selected by New Boss to organise our office relocation - is reaching the apogee of his mission because the day of the Great Removal is at hand !!!
Entrusting this task to Ex-Army Man has had a disastrous effect upon his personality. It has turned him from an averagely irritating co-worker into a power-crazed tyrant who has a clipboard permanently wedged under his armpit. As a result I now have a secret name for New Boss - Frank. As in Dr Frankenstein. Because New Boss is solely responsible for bringing this monster to life.
At the end of the day, I am typing away industriously when I become dimly aware that a dispute is arising in the office. A dispute involving Ex-Army Man. The dialogue goes like this:
Life Coach Colleague: Ex-Army Man, could this crate please be moved over to Room ***.
Ex-Army Man: Why are you asking me?
LCC: Well, because you are in charge of the office move.
EAM: I'm too busy to talk to you at the moment.
LCC: Oh. Well, who should I talk to about it?
EAM: Aren't you listening to me? I am too busy right now.
LCC: (to the room in general) Does anyone have any Sellotape?
EAM: (getting up from his seat) Why don't you use a stapler? (He has one in his hand, and bangs it repeatedly onto the papers which LCC is trying to secure).
LCC: You didn't need to do that, I was sorting it out myself.
EAM: Ah, well you need to think outside the box.
LCC: Do you think I don't think outside the box then?
EAM: Well some of us have it and some of us don't.
LCC: What did you say?
EAM: Some of us have it and some of us don't.
LCC: That's very rude. I don't see why you have to be so insulting.
EAM: Be quiet.
LCC: Sorry?
EAM: (very loudly) BE QUIET !
At this point, the sense of imminent danger is so great that I am unable to stand any more...
I say quietly:
"Ex-Army Man, Ex-Army Man, Ex-Army Man..."
(I don't, of course, use these exact words. I say "Pete, Pete, Pete" only using his real name).
And I put out my hand and touch Life Coach Colleague gently on the arm, warningly.
And miraculously, things calm down.
Miraculously, because our department is riddled with tensions, and interpersonal problems, and resentments. And it is from such tetchy little interchanges that things have been known to escalate into Massive Screaming Matches....
There's been enough drama in my working life during the past year.
I can't actually cope with any more, even if it isn't mine.
Lord, make me a channel of Thy peace.
And please get this sodding office move over as quickly as You possibly can.
Thank You.
Mr Grumpy Gets the Hump
Time to take a risk !
Time to step outside my comfort zone !
Eeeek !!!
Stylish Female Colleague's assistant is leaving, having been offered a prestigious development opportunity with another Borough (well, she was hardly likely ever to be offered one by staying put...)
Proposals for her leaving lunch were circulated before I went away on holiday, and having ascertained that Life Coach Colleague and Private Colleague are planning to attend, I email Stylish Female Colleague upon return to say I will join them. I haven't been to an office social event for about 2 years (hell, I wasn't invited to any for 18 months) but SFC's assistant is a perky confident young woman whom I have liked from the first moment I met her, and during her months with the department she has represented a little ray of sunshine in the gloaming.
It's a small group of 8 which gathers in the local Thai restaurant round the corner from the Town Hall, and I am relieved to see that Spiteful Manager has decided not to attend (Line Manager and Remora are both safely out of the country on leave). However, upon arrival I am slightly thrown to see New Boss at the table.
I end up sitting next to him, and from his dour expression glean that I am probably not his dream lunch companion. I am wearing a shortish dress, true; but above it rests my phiz which for one panic-stricken moment forgets how to configure its features into Stepford Employee mode.
For want of an obvious conversational opener, I say "it's so nice of you to come to Assistant's leaving lunch. I'm sure she appreciates it very much". I don't know what I am expecting at this point (that we start swapping recipes for scones, or confiding our earliest childhood memories to each other perhaps?) but am slightly startled when New Boss glares at me, and says aggressively "why wouldn't I come? Assistant is a great person. A great person and she has made a wonderful contribution to the office".
I hastily review what I have just said. I can't identify anything offensive in those two innocuous sentences, but clearly New Boss has Taken Things The Wrong Way. Something he continually accuses me of doing, in fact. Did he perhaps think I was being satirical? Has my Stepford Employee expression faltered at some point? Is he not-so-subtly conveying his belief that I am the opposite ie an evil witch who has made bugger all contribution to the office ??
F*** knows.
I am tempted to say "goodness, we're awfully grumpy wumpy today, aren't we?"
But I just say "yes, she is lovely isn't she?"
Then I take a long calming slurp of my Thai tea.
It's only after the lunch is drawing to a close, and New Boss has departed, that everyone relaxes and starts to talk more freely. And after having regaled us with a description of the fearsome hangover she was nurturing earlier in the week, Assistant suddenly shares an illuminating anecdote,
"I bumped into New Boss that morning" she tells us, "and he said to me 'what's the matter with you? You look like f***ing sh*te'." She laughs enthusiastically, before adding "I love that kind of management style".
Oh. Ah. Hmmmm.
I don't love that management style. I don't love it AT ALL. And from the sharp intakes of breath around the table, it sounds as though Life Coach Colleague and Private Colleague love it as little as I do.
But suddenly I twig why New Boss is grumpy wumpy ! He is having to wave goodbye to a fetching 22 year old who thought he was the bees knees, and to whom he could say exactly what he pleased; and he is now stuck with a bunch of frosty-knickered 40 somethings who all expect him to behave in appropriate public sector fashion...
Oh dear!
That's clearly something New Boss is going to find a wee bit of a challenge...
Time to step outside my comfort zone !
Eeeek !!!
Stylish Female Colleague's assistant is leaving, having been offered a prestigious development opportunity with another Borough (well, she was hardly likely ever to be offered one by staying put...)
Proposals for her leaving lunch were circulated before I went away on holiday, and having ascertained that Life Coach Colleague and Private Colleague are planning to attend, I email Stylish Female Colleague upon return to say I will join them. I haven't been to an office social event for about 2 years (hell, I wasn't invited to any for 18 months) but SFC's assistant is a perky confident young woman whom I have liked from the first moment I met her, and during her months with the department she has represented a little ray of sunshine in the gloaming.
It's a small group of 8 which gathers in the local Thai restaurant round the corner from the Town Hall, and I am relieved to see that Spiteful Manager has decided not to attend (Line Manager and Remora are both safely out of the country on leave). However, upon arrival I am slightly thrown to see New Boss at the table.
I end up sitting next to him, and from his dour expression glean that I am probably not his dream lunch companion. I am wearing a shortish dress, true; but above it rests my phiz which for one panic-stricken moment forgets how to configure its features into Stepford Employee mode.
For want of an obvious conversational opener, I say "it's so nice of you to come to Assistant's leaving lunch. I'm sure she appreciates it very much". I don't know what I am expecting at this point (that we start swapping recipes for scones, or confiding our earliest childhood memories to each other perhaps?) but am slightly startled when New Boss glares at me, and says aggressively "why wouldn't I come? Assistant is a great person. A great person and she has made a wonderful contribution to the office".
I hastily review what I have just said. I can't identify anything offensive in those two innocuous sentences, but clearly New Boss has Taken Things The Wrong Way. Something he continually accuses me of doing, in fact. Did he perhaps think I was being satirical? Has my Stepford Employee expression faltered at some point? Is he not-so-subtly conveying his belief that I am the opposite ie an evil witch who has made bugger all contribution to the office ??
F*** knows.
I am tempted to say "goodness, we're awfully grumpy wumpy today, aren't we?"
But I just say "yes, she is lovely isn't she?"
Then I take a long calming slurp of my Thai tea.
It's only after the lunch is drawing to a close, and New Boss has departed, that everyone relaxes and starts to talk more freely. And after having regaled us with a description of the fearsome hangover she was nurturing earlier in the week, Assistant suddenly shares an illuminating anecdote,
"I bumped into New Boss that morning" she tells us, "and he said to me 'what's the matter with you? You look like f***ing sh*te'." She laughs enthusiastically, before adding "I love that kind of management style".
Oh. Ah. Hmmmm.
I don't love that management style. I don't love it AT ALL. And from the sharp intakes of breath around the table, it sounds as though Life Coach Colleague and Private Colleague love it as little as I do.
But suddenly I twig why New Boss is grumpy wumpy ! He is having to wave goodbye to a fetching 22 year old who thought he was the bees knees, and to whom he could say exactly what he pleased; and he is now stuck with a bunch of frosty-knickered 40 somethings who all expect him to behave in appropriate public sector fashion...
Oh dear!
That's clearly something New Boss is going to find a wee bit of a challenge...
Friday 21 September 2012
Occupied with Occupational Health
We're having another office-wide meeting next week. It was attending this meeting three months ago which forced me to confront the fact that I was not quite "over" the experiences over the past year - a continuing frustration to New Boss, who keeps saying to me in tones of marked irritation "I think you just need to move on"... (for blog post "Little Wobble" giving an account of that meeting click here ...)
I've been obsessing about the next sodding meeting for months (seriously!). It's being held in yet another part of the Borough, and so I don't know what the layout of the room is going to be, who is going to sit where, and whether I am going to be able to get through it without once again being seized by crippling anxiety.
Fortuitously, I have forgotten that this week I am due to have a meeting with Occupational Health Doctor - and when I open the email reminding me, I do a little jig of joy.
OH Doctor is a pleasant woman of about my own age, and though I have long since renounced any real belief that she is ever going to do anything to help me, for a few seconds I entertain a wild fantasy that she is going to write a report recommending to New Boss and Personnel that instead of attending the meeting, I be allowed to sit in an ante-chamber sipping a cup of Earl Grey, and listening to Bach while having my feet massaged.
Oh well.
It's nice to dream.
I explain to OH Doctor that I am still finding some aspects of my working environment very difficult, stressing that it is not the work itself; simply particular situations and configurations of people. We talk for approximately 45 minutes, during which OH Doctor says "I have given you my leaflet about stress management, haven't I?" and I say "yes, thank you".
I clearly recall this leaflet because it started with the helpful advice "try not to worry". It is currently languishing on a local waste disposal tip, or possibly by now is already on a slow boat to China where it will be recycled into something really useful.
At the end of our session, OH Doctor dictates the following report which will be sent to Personnel:
"I have discussed with Ms Ross a number of possible options which she may find helpful. I have advised her to see her GP to discuss the possibility of taking a small dose of a beta blocker prior to attending a meeting that she anticipates she will find stressful. I have also suggested that she considers attending the Employee Counselling Service again or undergoing more in depth psychotherapy. I have provided her with details of courses run by Anonymous College, which are designed to help individuals feel less stressed. Ms Ross already has information regarding stress management and local mental health initiatives to help combat stress. In addition, you may wish to consider whether Ms Ross would benefit from participating further in mediation with the various individuals she has difficulty in working with."
So there we have it !
Instead of deciding to undertake a root and branch review of the Council's ghastly and ineffectual Codes and Policies, or to look at how employees who assert their right not to be bullied in the workplace might be better supported, the answer is to label said employees neurotic f***-ups who have to be doped up in order to get through their "normal" (I use the term loosely...) working day !!!
OH Doctor is also convinced that my reaction to the experiences of the past year denote some deeply buried neurosis which can only be uncovered through intensive psychotherapy. Her considered medical opinion is "zere iz usually somezink in von's PAST which triggers zese extreme sorts of reactionz.....".
I should, of course, have responded: "well, you know OH Doctor, everything in my past taught me that if you told the truth, everything would be OK" - but as you might imagine, by that point I just wanted to get the hell outta there. Particularly when she started suggesting that once again I be locked in a room being placed under intense pressure to be "friends" with people who have done their utmost to make my working environment a total misery (Anonymous Council's interpretation of Mediation...)
In full-on Stepford Employee mode, I politely thank OH Doctor for her time; and apologise once again for having been 2 minutes late for our appointment. I shake her hand and exit, clutching another selection of her "useful" pamphlets and leaflets.
As I leave the Town Hall, a handily placed bin catches my eye.
Splendid!
That's another 50g of prime grade paper on its way to China.
I've been obsessing about the next sodding meeting for months (seriously!). It's being held in yet another part of the Borough, and so I don't know what the layout of the room is going to be, who is going to sit where, and whether I am going to be able to get through it without once again being seized by crippling anxiety.
Fortuitously, I have forgotten that this week I am due to have a meeting with Occupational Health Doctor - and when I open the email reminding me, I do a little jig of joy.
OH Doctor is a pleasant woman of about my own age, and though I have long since renounced any real belief that she is ever going to do anything to help me, for a few seconds I entertain a wild fantasy that she is going to write a report recommending to New Boss and Personnel that instead of attending the meeting, I be allowed to sit in an ante-chamber sipping a cup of Earl Grey, and listening to Bach while having my feet massaged.
Oh well.
It's nice to dream.
I explain to OH Doctor that I am still finding some aspects of my working environment very difficult, stressing that it is not the work itself; simply particular situations and configurations of people. We talk for approximately 45 minutes, during which OH Doctor says "I have given you my leaflet about stress management, haven't I?" and I say "yes, thank you".
I clearly recall this leaflet because it started with the helpful advice "try not to worry". It is currently languishing on a local waste disposal tip, or possibly by now is already on a slow boat to China where it will be recycled into something really useful.
At the end of our session, OH Doctor dictates the following report which will be sent to Personnel:
"I have discussed with Ms Ross a number of possible options which she may find helpful. I have advised her to see her GP to discuss the possibility of taking a small dose of a beta blocker prior to attending a meeting that she anticipates she will find stressful. I have also suggested that she considers attending the Employee Counselling Service again or undergoing more in depth psychotherapy. I have provided her with details of courses run by Anonymous College, which are designed to help individuals feel less stressed. Ms Ross already has information regarding stress management and local mental health initiatives to help combat stress. In addition, you may wish to consider whether Ms Ross would benefit from participating further in mediation with the various individuals she has difficulty in working with."
So there we have it !
Instead of deciding to undertake a root and branch review of the Council's ghastly and ineffectual Codes and Policies, or to look at how employees who assert their right not to be bullied in the workplace might be better supported, the answer is to label said employees neurotic f***-ups who have to be doped up in order to get through their "normal" (I use the term loosely...) working day !!!
OH Doctor is also convinced that my reaction to the experiences of the past year denote some deeply buried neurosis which can only be uncovered through intensive psychotherapy. Her considered medical opinion is "zere iz usually somezink in von's PAST which triggers zese extreme sorts of reactionz.....".
I should, of course, have responded: "well, you know OH Doctor, everything in my past taught me that if you told the truth, everything would be OK" - but as you might imagine, by that point I just wanted to get the hell outta there. Particularly when she started suggesting that once again I be locked in a room being placed under intense pressure to be "friends" with people who have done their utmost to make my working environment a total misery (Anonymous Council's interpretation of Mediation...)
In full-on Stepford Employee mode, I politely thank OH Doctor for her time; and apologise once again for having been 2 minutes late for our appointment. I shake her hand and exit, clutching another selection of her "useful" pamphlets and leaflets.
As I leave the Town Hall, a handily placed bin catches my eye.
Splendid!
That's another 50g of prime grade paper on its way to China.
Wednesday 19 September 2012
Climbing Mountains
Whenever I think I haven't progressed very far, I try and remember the story I once heard about two people climbing up a mountain. One pauses half way up and says despondently "look how far we've got to go," and the other says "but look how far we've come....."
It's now been just over a year since Line Manager's "normal" sarcasm, undermining and credit-stealing escalated into blatant bullying, culminating in him shouting at me in front of other colleagues including an 18 year old intern (my, that was a fabulous introduction to the world of the adult workplace for the poor chap). And the past twelve months have been some of the most difficult and stressful I have ever had to cope with.
Submitting my initial complaint was hard enough, but when it belatedly dawned on me that my Head of Department was prepared to merrily perjure himself and bury me in order to ensure Line Manager's survival, the real nightmare started.
It took months for the matter to be properly investigated, months for the disciplinary hearing to be scheduled, and then months for it to finally take place while I became more and more depressed, stressed and obsessed. And when, the day immediately after the hearing, Spiteful Manager decided to launch a vicious bullying campaign of his own, I suffered a Mental Health Episode and was signed off work for five weeks.
Looking back, it is easy to forget that despite every attempt made to totally discredit me, something astonishing happened.
My complaint against Line Manager was upheld.
This evening I give the main talk at a Support Group meeting and touch on my experiences over the past year. And I hear myself say "but the cost was too high".
Was it?
Was the cost of that "victory" too high........?
On the last two nights of our holiday, I woke Husband up at 3am because I was having nightmares about going back to work. I still suffer from breathlessness, agitation and fear in certain work situations, and it has become so normal for me to have a headache, that I barely notice them anymore. So - yes - I do find questions floating around my brain. Questions like "was it all worth it?" and "am I ever going to get completely better?"
But today I found myself over at the Town Hall chatting to Private Colleague and Maternal Colleague, and I felt relaxed instead of paranoid. I actually managed to share a few holiday anecdotes with New Boss. And for some minutes today, I was alone in the office with Spiteful Manager and I didn't feel excessively stressed about it.
Then I think of the other things which have sustained me over the past week. "Madame Butterfly" at the Prague State Opera (seats in a box for only £35 each!); "As You Like It" at the Globe along with some other actors from the amateur theatre company I have joined; and the fact that thanks to my attendance at yesterday evening's community choir rehearsal, I can now sing a song all the way through - in Bulgarian !!!
This isn't the life I had a year ago.
It is better than the life I had a year ago.
So I am not going to think about how far I've got to go.
I am going to think about how far I have come.
It's now been just over a year since Line Manager's "normal" sarcasm, undermining and credit-stealing escalated into blatant bullying, culminating in him shouting at me in front of other colleagues including an 18 year old intern (my, that was a fabulous introduction to the world of the adult workplace for the poor chap). And the past twelve months have been some of the most difficult and stressful I have ever had to cope with.
Submitting my initial complaint was hard enough, but when it belatedly dawned on me that my Head of Department was prepared to merrily perjure himself and bury me in order to ensure Line Manager's survival, the real nightmare started.
It took months for the matter to be properly investigated, months for the disciplinary hearing to be scheduled, and then months for it to finally take place while I became more and more depressed, stressed and obsessed. And when, the day immediately after the hearing, Spiteful Manager decided to launch a vicious bullying campaign of his own, I suffered a Mental Health Episode and was signed off work for five weeks.
Looking back, it is easy to forget that despite every attempt made to totally discredit me, something astonishing happened.
My complaint against Line Manager was upheld.
This evening I give the main talk at a Support Group meeting and touch on my experiences over the past year. And I hear myself say "but the cost was too high".
Was it?
Was the cost of that "victory" too high........?
On the last two nights of our holiday, I woke Husband up at 3am because I was having nightmares about going back to work. I still suffer from breathlessness, agitation and fear in certain work situations, and it has become so normal for me to have a headache, that I barely notice them anymore. So - yes - I do find questions floating around my brain. Questions like "was it all worth it?" and "am I ever going to get completely better?"
But today I found myself over at the Town Hall chatting to Private Colleague and Maternal Colleague, and I felt relaxed instead of paranoid. I actually managed to share a few holiday anecdotes with New Boss. And for some minutes today, I was alone in the office with Spiteful Manager and I didn't feel excessively stressed about it.
Then I think of the other things which have sustained me over the past week. "Madame Butterfly" at the Prague State Opera (seats in a box for only £35 each!); "As You Like It" at the Globe along with some other actors from the amateur theatre company I have joined; and the fact that thanks to my attendance at yesterday evening's community choir rehearsal, I can now sing a song all the way through - in Bulgarian !!!
This isn't the life I had a year ago.
It is better than the life I had a year ago.
So I am not going to think about how far I've got to go.
I am going to think about how far I have come.
Monday 17 September 2012
Three interesting emails....
Blackberry informs me, late on Sunday afternoon, that 215 emails await my return to work.
Not too bad ! If Former Boss was still here, that number would have at least doubled. I have gone to bed for a small nap as we had to get up early to catch our flight home, but sleep eludes me and I find myself reaching out for Blackberry and starting the laborious process of scrolling through, trying to sort the wheat from the chaff.
And of course I am peculiarly alert and hyper-sensitive to any which carry additional connotations....
Much to my relief, the emails are mainly routine which I am going to be able to deal with fairly promptly. But three stand out in stark relief....
Email 1
From Personnel admitting that the strictly confidential document I gave to the Investigating Officer appointed to look into my grievance was included in the disciplinary papers ! And was therefore passed to Line Manager, and to the Director who was adjuging the matter !!
This comes as no surprise to me, because I have known for at least 6 weeks that this must have been the case, ever since Line Manager let slip during our mediation session that he had seen said document. What astounds me is that Personnel - after fudging and ducking and avoiding my enquiries on said topic for weeks - has now finally 'fessed up in writing.
Blimey.
I decide to park my response to this until I've got my head around it.
Email 2
From Remora "helpfully" pointing out that I made a significant error in a piece of marketing information I had hastily prepared for her before I went on leave, and that she was forced to go to New Boss to sort out the muddle I had left.
I have had a challenging relationship with Remora for four years, and it is for precisely this reason that she is the colleague I take most care to treat neutrally and professionally, promptly responding to her requests and requirements. I never want to give her any grounds to find fault with me, because I know she will celebrate this in the manner of one who has just discovered they have a winning Lottery ticket.
So when I read her email, I don't think "blimey".
I think "bugger".
Email 3
From New Boss, entitled "Staff Structures". The title may seem inoffensive, but the timing of this email - sent sent to the entire department at 4.45pm on a Friday - instantly denotes that changes are afoot and he is giving everyone the weekend to absorb the implications. I race through the attached Committee paper, trying to associate co-workers with the numerically assigned posts within. And although I need to study it a while longer for it all to make complete sense, one thing leaps out at me.
All members of Spiteful Manager's team have been re-assigned to other managers.
Spiteful Manager elected to make me the target of his malice back in January, seeking to drag my own assistant into a scenario which grossly undermined me. Despite clear evidence that his actions were undertaken deliberately in order to cause me maximum hurt and humiliation, the Hierarchy advised me that it was not a disciplinary matter. Knowing that Spiteful Manager was being allowed to get away scot-free with conduct which, in previous eras, would have seen him horsewhipped or placed in the stocks, has been one of the chiefest causes of my total disengagement from the workplace. I have no idea what has lain behind the decision to denude him of his retinue, but I can only feel thankful that the Decent People - who have long suffered under his "command", and who tell me with hushed voices how much they despise him - are finally to be free of him.
Blimey, I think again.
Blimey!
Lawks, lor' love a duck, and bless my ears and whiskers !!!
Not too bad ! If Former Boss was still here, that number would have at least doubled. I have gone to bed for a small nap as we had to get up early to catch our flight home, but sleep eludes me and I find myself reaching out for Blackberry and starting the laborious process of scrolling through, trying to sort the wheat from the chaff.
And of course I am peculiarly alert and hyper-sensitive to any which carry additional connotations....
Much to my relief, the emails are mainly routine which I am going to be able to deal with fairly promptly. But three stand out in stark relief....
Email 1
From Personnel admitting that the strictly confidential document I gave to the Investigating Officer appointed to look into my grievance was included in the disciplinary papers ! And was therefore passed to Line Manager, and to the Director who was adjuging the matter !!
This comes as no surprise to me, because I have known for at least 6 weeks that this must have been the case, ever since Line Manager let slip during our mediation session that he had seen said document. What astounds me is that Personnel - after fudging and ducking and avoiding my enquiries on said topic for weeks - has now finally 'fessed up in writing.
Blimey.
I decide to park my response to this until I've got my head around it.
Email 2
From Remora "helpfully" pointing out that I made a significant error in a piece of marketing information I had hastily prepared for her before I went on leave, and that she was forced to go to New Boss to sort out the muddle I had left.
I have had a challenging relationship with Remora for four years, and it is for precisely this reason that she is the colleague I take most care to treat neutrally and professionally, promptly responding to her requests and requirements. I never want to give her any grounds to find fault with me, because I know she will celebrate this in the manner of one who has just discovered they have a winning Lottery ticket.
So when I read her email, I don't think "blimey".
I think "bugger".
Email 3
From New Boss, entitled "Staff Structures". The title may seem inoffensive, but the timing of this email - sent sent to the entire department at 4.45pm on a Friday - instantly denotes that changes are afoot and he is giving everyone the weekend to absorb the implications. I race through the attached Committee paper, trying to associate co-workers with the numerically assigned posts within. And although I need to study it a while longer for it all to make complete sense, one thing leaps out at me.
All members of Spiteful Manager's team have been re-assigned to other managers.
Spiteful Manager elected to make me the target of his malice back in January, seeking to drag my own assistant into a scenario which grossly undermined me. Despite clear evidence that his actions were undertaken deliberately in order to cause me maximum hurt and humiliation, the Hierarchy advised me that it was not a disciplinary matter. Knowing that Spiteful Manager was being allowed to get away scot-free with conduct which, in previous eras, would have seen him horsewhipped or placed in the stocks, has been one of the chiefest causes of my total disengagement from the workplace. I have no idea what has lain behind the decision to denude him of his retinue, but I can only feel thankful that the Decent People - who have long suffered under his "command", and who tell me with hushed voices how much they despise him - are finally to be free of him.
Blimey, I think again.
Blimey!
Lawks, lor' love a duck, and bless my ears and whiskers !!!
Friday 14 September 2012
Sticking Close
Prague is as beautiful as everyone has told me it is, but it has a tram system so erratic and unfathomable that Husband and I keep ending up in places which, although interesting, are not quite the ones we intended to visit. Husband is unbothered because he has now completed his successful pilgrimage to the Dukla Prague football stadium - a rather grandiose name for a tired looking oval of green turf, with only half the seating in place so that for some minutes I am under the impression that I am taking photographs of him in a stadium called UKL....
I, on the other hand, am starting to find Prague all a bit stressful - the heat, the aching calves, the fact that delicious through the food is, it rarely seems to feature green vegetables. Also, I keep seeing posters for a film with an incomprehensible title. Incomprehensible apart from the fact that it features Line Manager's first name writ large in bright green capitals. As we swoop down the very long escalators taking us into the bowels of Prague's Metro, this name keeps leaping out at me, occasioning little nudging reminders that next Monday the Habsburg cityscapes will be far behind me, and the best thing in my view is likely to be my screensaver.
We haven't been to a Support Group meeting since we left London, but Prague has two English speaking meetings a day, and better still they are very centrally located. We plan our day around getting to a noon meeting, and when we walk down the street and see the symbol for our Support Group boldly displayed among the shop signs, it feels great. It feels like we are in America - a place where it is OK to be in recovery. In fact it is positively cool !
We're about 10 minutes early for the meeting. We meet all the regulars - people from overseas who are living and working in Prague, as well as some Czech people whose English is marginally better than my own. And we meet people like ourselves - travellers who have felt the need to come to a safe haven and remind themselves of their primary purpose.
We meet G, a Dubliner who is running today's meeting
We meet J, an American who is one of the backbones of the group
We meet J who knows some of the places I used to hang out in "before"
We meet L, a young American woman
And L, a pretty Czech teacher
And T, from Boston, who has only just started coming to meetings
And L who used to work in "the film industry" but is now in the military
And C, who has just flown in from New York and says she is going crazy because all the food she sees is in the shape of a spiral...
Then we have our meeting. And it feels absolutely fantastic to listen to the familiar readings, and all the wise, and funny, and painful and poignant things which people have to say.
It feels so fantastic that at noon the next day, we go back for more...
I, on the other hand, am starting to find Prague all a bit stressful - the heat, the aching calves, the fact that delicious through the food is, it rarely seems to feature green vegetables. Also, I keep seeing posters for a film with an incomprehensible title. Incomprehensible apart from the fact that it features Line Manager's first name writ large in bright green capitals. As we swoop down the very long escalators taking us into the bowels of Prague's Metro, this name keeps leaping out at me, occasioning little nudging reminders that next Monday the Habsburg cityscapes will be far behind me, and the best thing in my view is likely to be my screensaver.
We haven't been to a Support Group meeting since we left London, but Prague has two English speaking meetings a day, and better still they are very centrally located. We plan our day around getting to a noon meeting, and when we walk down the street and see the symbol for our Support Group boldly displayed among the shop signs, it feels great. It feels like we are in America - a place where it is OK to be in recovery. In fact it is positively cool !
We're about 10 minutes early for the meeting. We meet all the regulars - people from overseas who are living and working in Prague, as well as some Czech people whose English is marginally better than my own. And we meet people like ourselves - travellers who have felt the need to come to a safe haven and remind themselves of their primary purpose.
We meet G, a Dubliner who is running today's meeting
We meet J, an American who is one of the backbones of the group
We meet J who knows some of the places I used to hang out in "before"
We meet L, a young American woman
And L, a pretty Czech teacher
And T, from Boston, who has only just started coming to meetings
And L who used to work in "the film industry" but is now in the military
And C, who has just flown in from New York and says she is going crazy because all the food she sees is in the shape of a spiral...
Then we have our meeting. And it feels absolutely fantastic to listen to the familiar readings, and all the wise, and funny, and painful and poignant things which people have to say.
It feels so fantastic that at noon the next day, we go back for more...
Monday 10 September 2012
A Woman of Valour
We have had to undertake two long train journeys during this holiday, and as I always have a horror of being stuck with nothing to read, I have made sure to bring some reading material with me. Apart from "Master and Commander" which I have still not managed to finish off a month after starting it, I have brought two books by writers to whom Twitter has introduced me - "Bullied By the Boss" by Eva James (aka @bulliedbyboss) and A Woman of Valour by Tamara West or @AWomanOfValour.
Having read "Bullied by the Boss"" twice, I move onto "A Woman of Valour" while travelling between Vienna and Prague. I read it all the way through without stopping, and Husband gives up trying to talk to me because I am just going "mmmm" without taking in anything he is saying.
The unfolding saga of Rebecca and her bullying boss Derek occasions feelings of outrage, anger and frustration. Frustration, because I wish very much that I had read this book and Eva's a year ago when, driven to a point where I felt I had no other option, I filed a formal complaint against Line Manager for his bullying behaviour towards me.
There are many parts of the book which occasion my own flashbacks, and one of the most potent is when Howard (Derek's boss, and hence even more senior to Rebecca) advises her: "I have to warn you that this will all end in tears", and later "I want you to think very carefully about proceeding with this nonsense you have concocted".
It reminds me of all the things Former Boss said to me when he tried to get me to drop my complaint against Line Manager. Mainly this thing:
"I don't think this is going to end well for you, Katharine".
Alas, being a literal minded person, I completely failed to understand Former Boss's true meaning !! To wit:
"I am personally going to make damn sure that this is not going to end well for you".
And he was as good as his word. Because almost every hurdle I subsequently had to surmount was carefully constructed by none other than Former Boss....
- His "investigation" which somehow managed to avoid speaking to any of the witnesses to the main incident
- His "investigative report" which sought to exonerate Line Manager and put the whole blame on me
- His efforts in tandem with Director to paint the entire matter as merely a personality clash
- His gossiping to senior officers from outside the department, a major confidentiality breach about which nothing was done
- His passing to Line Manager of confidential documents in order to assist him with his case
Deary me. Former Boss does not come out of this particularly well, now I bethink me. Still, he's now a retiree swanning around the Algarve, so I don't suppose he gives a rat's a***.
If I had read more books and opened a Twitter account a year ago, then I might have better anticipated what Former Boss and his cronies were going to do. Instead (apologies! I wince with some embarrassment at my naivete) I actually believed that everyone was going to follow policies and protocols religiously, and that furthermore everyone was going to tell the truth. Especially senior management.
Ah well.
I know better now.
But the more I think of it, the more miraculous it seems that despite everything I actually managed to win my case, and that Line Manager received a formal reprimand. And that he was required to apologise to me. And that he knows he can never treat me so appallingly again.
I put "A Woman of Valour" away in my bag.
Husband notices that I have finished, and removes his iPod headphones.
"Good book?" he asks.
"Yes", I say. "Very good. It's given me a lot to think about".
Having read "Bullied by the Boss"" twice, I move onto "A Woman of Valour" while travelling between Vienna and Prague. I read it all the way through without stopping, and Husband gives up trying to talk to me because I am just going "mmmm" without taking in anything he is saying.
The unfolding saga of Rebecca and her bullying boss Derek occasions feelings of outrage, anger and frustration. Frustration, because I wish very much that I had read this book and Eva's a year ago when, driven to a point where I felt I had no other option, I filed a formal complaint against Line Manager for his bullying behaviour towards me.
There are many parts of the book which occasion my own flashbacks, and one of the most potent is when Howard (Derek's boss, and hence even more senior to Rebecca) advises her: "I have to warn you that this will all end in tears", and later "I want you to think very carefully about proceeding with this nonsense you have concocted".
It reminds me of all the things Former Boss said to me when he tried to get me to drop my complaint against Line Manager. Mainly this thing:
"I don't think this is going to end well for you, Katharine".
Alas, being a literal minded person, I completely failed to understand Former Boss's true meaning !! To wit:
"I am personally going to make damn sure that this is not going to end well for you".
And he was as good as his word. Because almost every hurdle I subsequently had to surmount was carefully constructed by none other than Former Boss....
- His "investigation" which somehow managed to avoid speaking to any of the witnesses to the main incident
- His "investigative report" which sought to exonerate Line Manager and put the whole blame on me
- His efforts in tandem with Director to paint the entire matter as merely a personality clash
- His gossiping to senior officers from outside the department, a major confidentiality breach about which nothing was done
- His passing to Line Manager of confidential documents in order to assist him with his case
Deary me. Former Boss does not come out of this particularly well, now I bethink me. Still, he's now a retiree swanning around the Algarve, so I don't suppose he gives a rat's a***.
If I had read more books and opened a Twitter account a year ago, then I might have better anticipated what Former Boss and his cronies were going to do. Instead (apologies! I wince with some embarrassment at my naivete) I actually believed that everyone was going to follow policies and protocols religiously, and that furthermore everyone was going to tell the truth. Especially senior management.
Ah well.
I know better now.
But the more I think of it, the more miraculous it seems that despite everything I actually managed to win my case, and that Line Manager received a formal reprimand. And that he was required to apologise to me. And that he knows he can never treat me so appallingly again.
I put "A Woman of Valour" away in my bag.
Husband notices that I have finished, and removes his iPod headphones.
"Good book?" he asks.
"Yes", I say. "Very good. It's given me a lot to think about".
Saturday 8 September 2012
The Penitent
In the spirit of compromise, I have persuaded Husband to allow me to spend several hours in Budapest's Museum of Fine Art and all I have to do in return is accompany him on pilgrimages to Ferencvaros and Ujpest ! (these are apparently "interesting" football stadiums, for the uninitiated....)
The collection of artwork in the Museum is stupendous, and there are so few people in there that I can stand in front of each painting for long minutes completely undisturbed. Then suddenly I find myself standing in front of El Greco's "Penitent Magdalen" and feel a peculiar sense of unsettling familiarity.
So familiar is this painting, that I am convinced it must have featured prominently in an exhibition called "Treasures from Budapest" which the Royal Academy hosted a couple of years ago. And it is unsettling, because last time I stood in front of it, Line Manager was standing next to me.
"Line Manager?!" I hear you cry. "He against whom you successfully filed a formal complaint for bullying??"
Indeed. The very same...
Back in September 2010, when I first tried to bring the conduct of Line Manager to the attention of Personnel and the Hierarchy, the overall response was discouraging enough to make me give up. So I invited Line Manager to sit down and have a frank and fearless chat, asking him if he could please explain why he found it so hard to treat me civilly.
It was an enlightening discussion, during which Line Manager actually admitted that he found me "a bit of a threat" and apologised. And so impressed was I at the time with his unusual honesty, that I resolved to do my best to be understanding and tolerant of his innate tendency towards sarcasm, rudeness and undermining behaviour.
Knowing of his interest in art, and knowing even more how much he liked to save money, some time later I asked him if he wanted to come along to the "Treasures from Budapest" exhibition as my guest. And unsurprisingly, Line Manager accepted with alacrity !
On the day of our planned outing, ten minutes before we were due to depart, Line Manager unexpectedly suggested that I set off ahead of him and he would meet me at the station. Dutifully, I did as I was told; and it was only as I stood at the station entrance waiting for him, and watched him in the far distance, shiftily checking behind him as he approached, that I realised he did not want anyone to know....
I was suffused with an uneasy sense of embarrassment, as we had both booked the afternoon off and I could see no reason for secrecy. It felt as though we were embarking upon something unpleasantly clandestine and shameful, instead of being two adult colleagues going to see an exhibition of mutual interest. And when I politely and rather hesitantly asked him why we had to be so secretive, Line Manager was unable to give me an answer.
It was months later that I finally understood. Months when Line Manager reverted to his former behaviour, and stood by doing nothing as other colleagues on my team, seemingly resentful of my performance record, began their orchestrated campaign of humiliating social ostracism.
Of course he did not want them to know.
He had already chosen whose side he was on !
As I stand in front of "Penitent Magdalen", reflecting upon this saga, I am very glad of one thing.
After "Treasures from Budapest", I never invited Line Manager to go anywhere with me again.
The collection of artwork in the Museum is stupendous, and there are so few people in there that I can stand in front of each painting for long minutes completely undisturbed. Then suddenly I find myself standing in front of El Greco's "Penitent Magdalen" and feel a peculiar sense of unsettling familiarity.
So familiar is this painting, that I am convinced it must have featured prominently in an exhibition called "Treasures from Budapest" which the Royal Academy hosted a couple of years ago. And it is unsettling, because last time I stood in front of it, Line Manager was standing next to me.
"Line Manager?!" I hear you cry. "He against whom you successfully filed a formal complaint for bullying??"
Indeed. The very same...
Back in September 2010, when I first tried to bring the conduct of Line Manager to the attention of Personnel and the Hierarchy, the overall response was discouraging enough to make me give up. So I invited Line Manager to sit down and have a frank and fearless chat, asking him if he could please explain why he found it so hard to treat me civilly.
It was an enlightening discussion, during which Line Manager actually admitted that he found me "a bit of a threat" and apologised. And so impressed was I at the time with his unusual honesty, that I resolved to do my best to be understanding and tolerant of his innate tendency towards sarcasm, rudeness and undermining behaviour.
Knowing of his interest in art, and knowing even more how much he liked to save money, some time later I asked him if he wanted to come along to the "Treasures from Budapest" exhibition as my guest. And unsurprisingly, Line Manager accepted with alacrity !
On the day of our planned outing, ten minutes before we were due to depart, Line Manager unexpectedly suggested that I set off ahead of him and he would meet me at the station. Dutifully, I did as I was told; and it was only as I stood at the station entrance waiting for him, and watched him in the far distance, shiftily checking behind him as he approached, that I realised he did not want anyone to know....
I was suffused with an uneasy sense of embarrassment, as we had both booked the afternoon off and I could see no reason for secrecy. It felt as though we were embarking upon something unpleasantly clandestine and shameful, instead of being two adult colleagues going to see an exhibition of mutual interest. And when I politely and rather hesitantly asked him why we had to be so secretive, Line Manager was unable to give me an answer.
It was months later that I finally understood. Months when Line Manager reverted to his former behaviour, and stood by doing nothing as other colleagues on my team, seemingly resentful of my performance record, began their orchestrated campaign of humiliating social ostracism.
Of course he did not want them to know.
He had already chosen whose side he was on !
As I stand in front of "Penitent Magdalen", reflecting upon this saga, I am very glad of one thing.
After "Treasures from Budapest", I never invited Line Manager to go anywhere with me again.
Wednesday 5 September 2012
Looking Back and Looking Forward
Almost exactly a year ago, I was on holiday with my husband, staying in a small pension at the foot of the Pyrenees . The pension was in a spa town I had visited before - a place I love - but the entire holiday was dominated by the fact that a week before we left, I had read Former Boss's "Investigative Report" concerning my complaint against Line Manager.
For bullying.
Now I don't know what exactly I had been expecting - a fair, impartial review of the facts of the case. perhaps? - but not yet having read the experiences of @bulliedbyboss and others, I was completely unprepared for the experience of being succinctly hung out to dry in 5 closely written pages.
Looking back on things, I can see that Former Boss was perhaps clutching at straws when he included in his formal report the fact that I had apparently sat all through a meeting "looking a bit distant", and that I had sent an email from my Blackberry during another meeting. But he also stated that I refused to speak to my colleagues (untrue!) and that I had refused to work on a project (also untrue!!). It contained lie after insinuation after lie. Indeed the entire thrust of Former Boss's report was to discredit me, and state I was deliberately maligning Line Manager because I was jealous of him. There was no mention of the two year history of my recorded concerns about Line Manager's conduct, or my exemplary performance record.
I didn't recognise the person he was describing, and I certainly didn't recognise the person who had written it.
Thank God I was with my sister when I read Former Boss's Investigative Report, because I started shaking so badly, she had to get me to sit down. I started shaking because I realised that this had become about something far more significant than Line Manager's conduct towards me. This was now a battle between myself and the might of Anonymous Council. And it was not a battle I felt confident of winning.
During a hastily convened meeting with my Director and Personnel, I managed to successfully contest Former Boss's account and get Director to agree that the matter would be re-investigated by an officer outside our department.
And then a week later Husband and I went away on our annual holiday.
I don't suppose Husband looks back on it as one of our better vacations. I woke up every night between 3am and 4am, and although I tried to be very quiet, inevitably I managed to disturb him by tossing and turning. During the days I suffered regular anxiety attacks, was tearful, and constantly talked about what was happening at work. I was afraid to go back, and as the day for our return neared, I became more and more upset; telling him I didn't think I was going to be able to cope. Towards the end of our trip, he even woke to hear me crying in my sleep. What was happening to me managed to spoil his holiday too.
Bullying.
It affects the whole family.
But a year later, I can see how things have changed. I am walking along Margaret Bridge at night, looking across the river at the beautifully illuminated Hungarian Parliament buildings, and holding Husband's hand. And I haven't mentioned work or my less-than-lovely co-workers to him once.
And unlike a year ago, my main thoughts concerning my eventual return to London have nothing to do with my workplace, but rather focus on the fact that rehearsals for the amateur drama production I've managed to get a part in will be starting ! I've brought the script away with me, along with books "Bullied By The Boss" and "A Woman of Valour". Because I am using this holiday to build my resilience and re-connect with my sense of self.
Yes.
This is a very different type of trip to the one of 12 months ago.
And I am a very different person.
For bullying.
Now I don't know what exactly I had been expecting - a fair, impartial review of the facts of the case. perhaps? - but not yet having read the experiences of @bulliedbyboss and others, I was completely unprepared for the experience of being succinctly hung out to dry in 5 closely written pages.
Looking back on things, I can see that Former Boss was perhaps clutching at straws when he included in his formal report the fact that I had apparently sat all through a meeting "looking a bit distant", and that I had sent an email from my Blackberry during another meeting. But he also stated that I refused to speak to my colleagues (untrue!) and that I had refused to work on a project (also untrue!!). It contained lie after insinuation after lie. Indeed the entire thrust of Former Boss's report was to discredit me, and state I was deliberately maligning Line Manager because I was jealous of him. There was no mention of the two year history of my recorded concerns about Line Manager's conduct, or my exemplary performance record.
I didn't recognise the person he was describing, and I certainly didn't recognise the person who had written it.
Thank God I was with my sister when I read Former Boss's Investigative Report, because I started shaking so badly, she had to get me to sit down. I started shaking because I realised that this had become about something far more significant than Line Manager's conduct towards me. This was now a battle between myself and the might of Anonymous Council. And it was not a battle I felt confident of winning.
During a hastily convened meeting with my Director and Personnel, I managed to successfully contest Former Boss's account and get Director to agree that the matter would be re-investigated by an officer outside our department.
And then a week later Husband and I went away on our annual holiday.
I don't suppose Husband looks back on it as one of our better vacations. I woke up every night between 3am and 4am, and although I tried to be very quiet, inevitably I managed to disturb him by tossing and turning. During the days I suffered regular anxiety attacks, was tearful, and constantly talked about what was happening at work. I was afraid to go back, and as the day for our return neared, I became more and more upset; telling him I didn't think I was going to be able to cope. Towards the end of our trip, he even woke to hear me crying in my sleep. What was happening to me managed to spoil his holiday too.
Bullying.
It affects the whole family.
But a year later, I can see how things have changed. I am walking along Margaret Bridge at night, looking across the river at the beautifully illuminated Hungarian Parliament buildings, and holding Husband's hand. And I haven't mentioned work or my less-than-lovely co-workers to him once.
And unlike a year ago, my main thoughts concerning my eventual return to London have nothing to do with my workplace, but rather focus on the fact that rehearsals for the amateur drama production I've managed to get a part in will be starting ! I've brought the script away with me, along with books "Bullied By The Boss" and "A Woman of Valour". Because I am using this holiday to build my resilience and re-connect with my sense of self.
Yes.
This is a very different type of trip to the one of 12 months ago.
And I am a very different person.
Monday 3 September 2012
Traveller's Tales
There is nothing better for gaining a sense of perspective than
travelling several hundred (or preferably thousand) miles from the
source of one's difficulties.
Stepford Employee is currently on sabbatical in Budapest, and the difference this is making to her mood is quite spectacular!
It's hard to give a monkey's about Line Manager's behaviour, Spiteful Manager's malice, or the orchestrated spite of The Jackals when one is sitting on the No2 tram, rattling noisily along the bank of the Danube; or getting blisters on one's toes from walking round and round St Stephen's Basilica.
It's 90 degrees, which means Husband is in his element.
However I was never the type of teenager to leave a disco looking band-box fresh; and so I am avoiding having my photograph taken because I am pretty sure the shine reflecting off my sweaty face is going to be the only thing which anyone viewing them will notice...
It's amazingly cheap here. We've found a place selling fabulous felafel pittas for the equivalent of two pounds each, and our three day travel pass is only a tenner. Our money is going a long way.
The hotel also offers a free internet point in a quiet lounge which few of the other guests seem to have discovered, so I get the chance to stay up to date with my new-found passion for social networking, and can also check my emails.
It's lovely to see that a couple of my work colleagues have been in touch to wish me a good holiday. Maternal Colleague and Continental Colleague have always been supportive and friendly towards me, and I became particularly grateful for this kindness during the protracted grievance procedures which have dominated the past year. I send them newsy, chatty emails in return.
And my former assistant - an elegant young Frenchman - has also emailed me with a beautifully written account of his summer travels since he left Anonymous Council's service! Coincidentally, he has also spent a week in Budapest; about a month before my visit. It's great to hear from him, because the last time we spoke I was still suffering agonies of mortification over the way he had been treated by my colleagues.
Back in January, Spiteful Manager sought to inveigle Former Assistant into a embarrassingly malicious and childish scenario designed to humiliate me. However Spiteful Manager reckoned without Former Assistant's integrity, loyalty and maturity; and when Former Assistant stood up to him (pretty impressive for a 22 year old, considering Spiteful Manager's seniority....) and told him that he wasn't getting involved in anything which could harm me, Spiteful Manager then directed all his considerable venom at Former Assistant.
Not surprisingly, when Former Assistant was asked if he wanted to extend his contract with Anonymous Council, he said no....
It was his first proper job after graduating from his prestigious French university, and for many months I have been feeling ashamed that his memories of UK employment will be tainted by such awful managerial behaviour. But the shame starts to lift when I read Former Assistant's 'email diary'.
He's had the most wonderful experiences over the summer. He's met a host of fascinating people and travelled all through Eastern Europe. He is looking forward to returning to France and starting his Masters degree (!). And he wishes me the very best for the future.
It's the most heart-warming email.
And it feels great to be able to email him back and wish him the very same.
Stepford Employee is currently on sabbatical in Budapest, and the difference this is making to her mood is quite spectacular!
It's hard to give a monkey's about Line Manager's behaviour, Spiteful Manager's malice, or the orchestrated spite of The Jackals when one is sitting on the No2 tram, rattling noisily along the bank of the Danube; or getting blisters on one's toes from walking round and round St Stephen's Basilica.
It's 90 degrees, which means Husband is in his element.
However I was never the type of teenager to leave a disco looking band-box fresh; and so I am avoiding having my photograph taken because I am pretty sure the shine reflecting off my sweaty face is going to be the only thing which anyone viewing them will notice...
It's amazingly cheap here. We've found a place selling fabulous felafel pittas for the equivalent of two pounds each, and our three day travel pass is only a tenner. Our money is going a long way.
The hotel also offers a free internet point in a quiet lounge which few of the other guests seem to have discovered, so I get the chance to stay up to date with my new-found passion for social networking, and can also check my emails.
It's lovely to see that a couple of my work colleagues have been in touch to wish me a good holiday. Maternal Colleague and Continental Colleague have always been supportive and friendly towards me, and I became particularly grateful for this kindness during the protracted grievance procedures which have dominated the past year. I send them newsy, chatty emails in return.
And my former assistant - an elegant young Frenchman - has also emailed me with a beautifully written account of his summer travels since he left Anonymous Council's service! Coincidentally, he has also spent a week in Budapest; about a month before my visit. It's great to hear from him, because the last time we spoke I was still suffering agonies of mortification over the way he had been treated by my colleagues.
Back in January, Spiteful Manager sought to inveigle Former Assistant into a embarrassingly malicious and childish scenario designed to humiliate me. However Spiteful Manager reckoned without Former Assistant's integrity, loyalty and maturity; and when Former Assistant stood up to him (pretty impressive for a 22 year old, considering Spiteful Manager's seniority....) and told him that he wasn't getting involved in anything which could harm me, Spiteful Manager then directed all his considerable venom at Former Assistant.
Not surprisingly, when Former Assistant was asked if he wanted to extend his contract with Anonymous Council, he said no....
It was his first proper job after graduating from his prestigious French university, and for many months I have been feeling ashamed that his memories of UK employment will be tainted by such awful managerial behaviour. But the shame starts to lift when I read Former Assistant's 'email diary'.
He's had the most wonderful experiences over the summer. He's met a host of fascinating people and travelled all through Eastern Europe. He is looking forward to returning to France and starting his Masters degree (!). And he wishes me the very best for the future.
It's the most heart-warming email.
And it feels great to be able to email him back and wish him the very same.
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