I have been spending a lot of time away from the Town Hall, and due to my foray into the world of social networking I have been starting to feel far less isolated.
This lulls me into a false sense of confidence, so I am not well prepared for yesterday's incident.
If I were to describe this to someone who has never experienced workplace bullying, I expect they would look at me as if I was completely crazy. Because I would not be able to tell them that anything actually happened.
I arrive at the Town Hall and walk up the stairs to our department's temporary home feeling relatively confident and not particularly thinking about the events of the past year. I've even bought a takeaway coffee which I am looking forward to drinking. But as soon as I walk into the office space, everything changes.
The only inhabitants are Line Manager, Spiteful Manager and Remora - an unholy triumvirate who between them have caused me to experience a level of distress and upset which far outweighed the grief I felt when my father died. Not because I wasn't devastated, but because whereas the grief for my father was rational, I have never been able to process or understand why these people have behaved so appallingly towards me.
Line Manager, Spiteful Manager and Remora, who are engrossed in conversation as I enter the office, all stop talking and look towards me. No words are spoken, but I experience a sudden feeling of chronic anxiety and panic. This is the inner dialogue which runs through my mind:
"Oh my God. They are all in here. Where is Life Coach Colleague? Where is Stylish Female Colleague? There's no-one else here. It's just them and me. I'm on my own. Spiteful Manager is standing right by the hotdesk I was using last week. I need to sit at another desk. Which desk can I use? I can't remember who is on leave at the moment and who isn't. I can't think straight. I don't want them to know I am scared. They can't know I am feeling vulnerable. Shall I sit here? But the colleague who needs to log me on isn't here. I can't just sit here doing nothing. I have to get out of here. I shall fiddle with these papers, then I will get up and go back into the outer office and see if the meeting room is empty...
I don't know anyone here in the outer office. They all work for a different department. I shall just have to walk past them all down to the meeting room at the end. Oh no. There are people using the meeting room. What shall I do? I will have to go out of the building. Oh - but I can't. Shit shit shit. I have left my pass key on the desk in the office. I won't be able to get back in. What can I do? I can't just stand here. Is this office empty? Yes. When will the person be back? I don't know. I am just going to have to take the chance. I will sit here, in this corner, while I work out what to do. There are suits hanging on their coat stand. That's lucky. If I move the coat stand across like this, then no-one walking past will see me. I can just squash up really small behnd it, and sit here for a while, and drink my coffee, and work out what to do.
That was Remora's voice outside. Oh my God. She knows I am in here. She's going to tell The Others that I am hiding in someone else's office, cramming myself into a corner like a frightened rabbit. Did she see me come in? I don't know. I just have to stay very very still. What am I going to say if the person whose office this belongs to comes in? I don't know. I still can't think straight.
This is insane. I know they can't hurt me. Why do I feel so unsafe and so frightened? I need to rationalise this. I can't stay here. I've drunk the coffee now. I need to get up and move. I need to walk back into the office and get my pass key, and then I can just go to the Ladies loo outside and collect my thoughts and work out what to do....."
This all took 15 minutes.
The time in the loo extended to 45.
It's at times like this that I clearly see the legacy of psychological damage that being bullied has left me with.
And I find myself wondering if I am ever going to get better.
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