Throughout the gruelling grievance procedures which have dominated the past year, I never discussed the matter with anyone; whereas its subject (Line Manager) dragged several of my other colleagues into the process. How this squared up with everyone's requirement to observe strict confidentiality throughout the proceedings, I was never quite able to understand. But unsurprisingly, I ended up feeling totally isolated and paranoid; unsure whom was siding with whom, who to trust, and who I could even speak to.
It's been the most miserable, upsetting and disillusioning experience of my entire working career. But I am now mounting a comeback!
Its not about embarking on new battles or adding to the appalling goings-on in my workplace. I would simply like to restore a sense of connection with the many lovely people I have the privilege of working with. But I have no intention of doing any of this "connecting" in front of the Others.
As specialists in Schadenfreude, they cannot bear to see me (or anyone else) happy, confident, and interacting with others; and I know that as soon as they register I am getting close to a co-worker, they will do whatever they can to undermine the relationship.
Clinical paranoia? No, this has happened too often to be coincidence.
Plus occasionally the Decent People have the courage to tell me what is going on.
So I have gone to ground....
My interactions with the Decent People now take place entirely away from the office environment, where over lunch or coffee or via our personal mobile phones we chat about life in general - and only very occasionally share our sadness about what has happened to our Dear Little Department. But as it happens, Continental Colleague and Maternal Colleague have the misfortune to be under the command of Spiteful Manager and their anecdotes reveal the Wonderfully Reassuring Truth - that I have not imagined a single thing!!! This brings me some peace of mind; as I comfort myself with the fact that God is not mocked and that He is the only one who can manage this situation.
It is only relatively recently that I have started to reconnect with Private Colleague - someone I have always respected and admired, but whose relationship with Remora (the single most sociopathic person I have ever met) I have never been able to fathom. Private Colleague and I have recently shared some personal confidences, and I have actually felt comfortable enough to tell her about the chronic anxiety I am experiencing in relation to the workplace.
When I ask Private Colleague for her personal email address, she willingly gives it to me. And so we have now embarked upon a "conversation" that I don't think we would ever be able to have in the office. Already, however, I sense that what she tells me is going to shake my equanimity.
She alludes to a recent example of appalling workplace conduct resulting in Line Manager (mine, not hers!) reducing her to tears. She muses on how he has survived for so long without being marched off the premises. She tells me of conversations New Boss has held with her; of a level of insensitivity and rudeness matched only by the ones he has had with me !!
I know all this should make me feel a sense of vindication, connection and alliance. But all I feel is ANGRY. I feel angry that Private Colleague - a woman of integrity, intelligence and discernment - is yet another person being mistreated and reduced to tears when all she wants to do is come to work and get on with her job. I feel more angry about what is happening to Private Colleague than I do about what has happened to me.
It takes me three days to respond.
But when I do, I share back with equal frankness and honesty.
Because I have had ENOUGH of all this crap; and the only way the Decent People are going to survive is by sticking together.
And realising that we are not alone.
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