Three weeks ago I sent Line Manager a polite email requesting that he please approve my participation in a forthcoming training course entitled "Mental Health Awareness". (This is, you will be aware, a subject in which I have a particular interest).
Typically, I receive absolutely NO response from Line Manager; and whereas once upon a time I would have sent him little nudging reminders, these days I simply can't be a***d. I just contact the organisers myself and book a provisional place on the course, confirmation pending the day Line Manager finally gets round to responding to month-old emails....
But - oh dear! Today an email is circulated advising all and sundry that Line Manager is off undergoing surgery for an old war wound. I was vaguely aware of his imminent absence, but as I no longer visit the Town Hall or spend any time in my department, the op thing slipped my mind some time ago.
So I forward my training request to New Boss asking if, in lieu of Line Manager, he could please approve my attendance on the course. His grudging assent pops up shortly thereafter, although he advises me he is making a magnanimous exception because "technically the course is for officers coming or likely to come into contact with people affected by mental health issues".
?*?!?@!?
Firstly, New Boss has got it all wrong. The course is clearly aimed at anyone within the Council who thinks they might find it helpful. It's an internal course which has been promoted via our intranet to all employees. And secondly, I come into contact with people affected by mental health issues on a daily basis ! For God's sake, we all do !!! The whole point of the course is to dispel some of the stigmas and misconceptions around mental health, enabling us to offer better support to our colleagues for example.
So when I read New Boss's email, a red mist temporarily descends in front of my eyes and I am forced to embark upon The Emergency Procedures.
- Breathe, breathe, breathebreathebreathe, breeeeeeeaaaaathe.
- Adopt the Downward Dog position and hold for three minutes.
- Gaze into a candle flame whilst reciting a reliable mantra.
- Offer up serenity prayers to the Good Lord above.
- Have a nice cup of tea and a biscuit.
Due to rapid deployment of these crucial measures, I manage not to send New Boss the first email which comes into my head. The one which runs:
"Thanks New Boss! You will, of course, be aware of the impact and cost of mental health problems upon large organisations such as our own! You will know, for example, that the average cost of mental health problems in England stands at £105.2 billion per year (taking into account all associated costs). You're familiar with the fact that stress, anxiety and depression are responsible for 70 million days sick leave every year! You have already demonstrated your ability to listen non-judgementally to members of your staff who tell you their GP has diagnosed that they are suffering from workplace anxiety ("that's just silly" - remember that one??) You are an expert on stress, anxiety and depression because, as you took pains to tell me the other day when I asked if you were OK, you are "always OK" (unlike your pathetically mortal staff, who are mere human beings prone to icky things like feelings...) You are thoughtful, a good listener and empathy just oozes out of your every pore. I can only feel thankful that a sensitive little soul such as myself - who had five weeks sick leave earlier in the year as a result of "workplace stress" - has ended up under the command of someone like you.
Wha..? You didn't know all that?? Even though you are paid £90k + a year ??
OMG! You really ARE as big a c*** as you pretend to be!! (And I thought you were just faking..)
If I might make a wee suggestion, New Boss?
Why don't YOU sign up for the Mental Health Awareness course?
That way there might be some hope for the rest of us poor f***ers...."
Nope! I manage not to send any of it.
Instead, I wait 24 hours, slip into my Stepford Employee pinafore, and respond with impressive (hell, it impresses me) brevity.
"Noted.
Thank you".
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