Deja Vu

I am finding it hard to adjust to working "normal hours" ie my allotted 35 hours per week, after working for up to 60 hours a week for the past couple of years. Despite responding to all my emails, completing the projects required of me, and strategically showing my face at meetings chaired by senior officers (just so they don't entirely forget about me, you understand) I keep being assailed by the conviction that I am not doing any work.

It's most strange.

I reassure myself with the fact that when I do sit down in front of the computer, I am very focused and fast. This is greatly assisted by having my own office, enabling me to complete three hours' worth of tasks in one; which frees me up to go downstairs to the cafe and sit sipping an Americano while chatting to reception staff and flicking through the assortment of celebrity magazines disdainfully stacked under copies of the Sunday Times' Culture section. (My Kindle, you will recall, is currently moribund. It is an ex-Kindle).

Now if I was over at the Town Hall right now, what could I be doing......?

 1. I could be jammed into a too-small temporary office space with some people who are very VERY unpleasant towards me.

 2. I could be listening to Ex-Army Man barking out our daily orders (as Private Colleague put it recently "I don't know what has got into him"....)

 3. I could be endlessly distracted by the banshee screeching in which Remora specialises

 4. Endless hours could be being wasted by colleagues (understandably practising "Pass the Monkey") putting calls through to me on the most spurious of grounds

 5. I could be joining endless discussions about what should be stocked in the stationery cupboard (naturally Post-It notes - that vital office item - were "cut" some years ago, which is why I always have my own secret supply in a lockable drawer)

 6. I could be listening to co-workers using the office phones - despite clear directives that this is strictly verboten, and that such calls must be made out of the office on our own mobiles - to book their cars in for MOTs, coo to their children, and discuss the garage extension with their builders

7. The decades-old argument about whether the office is too hot or too cold, necessitating fine tuning and recalibration of the heating and air-con systems on a daily basis, could be into its 1,576th chapter

8. I could be watching New Boss flinging open the door of his office and strutting forth, making sexist and patronising comments to the women; and blokey, macho comments to the men

9. I could be queueing up for the printer, only for it to jam yet again as soon as I touch it

10. I could be listening to Line Manager shouting at a co-worker.

Hang on a second.......
Let's just go back over that last one again.

I could be listening to Line Manager shouting at a co-worker....???

Naturally I am not entirely removed from what goes on at the Town Hall, because the Decent People are communicating with me on a regular basis. And when I hear of this latest incident, I experience a head-swimming moment of despair.

Line Manager, you see, shouted at me a year ago. Appallingly and humiliatingly, in front of junior colleagues. And when - after a decade of grim and hopeless "management" (I use the term loosely) I finally stood up for myself and took out a grievance, the organisation treated him as the victim and me as the aggressor. So despite the Council's disciplinary procedures finally resulting in some risible "justice", Line Manager did everything possible to persuade the Hierarchy that the incident was entirely out of character and that furthermore it was all my fault. And some of them believed him.

But here we go again!

I ponder over the weekend. Because it has suddenly dawned on me that all the Decent People have started confiding in me about the things that have happened to them. How Line Manager has behaved towards them, the stupidly offensive things New Boss has said to the women, the many instances of Spiteful Manager's mistreatment of his staff. And I think "just a mo, why - after years of fearful silence - why are you suddenly telling me all this??"

And then I think "Oh God, you want me to help you".

As I learned, belatedly to my cost, I was the only person who kept my mouth shut about what was going on between myself and Line Manager. Which was pointless in hindsight, because everyone else knew. The Jackals knew, and relished it. Senior officers from other departments knew - because they told me. And of course the Decent People knew. They knew that I had finally made a stand, and asserted my right not to be bullied. I suspect they think, because Line Manager was eventually given a formal reprimand, that I "won".

And I feel very tired. Because I think the Decent People are now looking to me to "do something". And while I am happy to support them in any way I can, I am never going to "do" anything with regard to the bullying, and mis-management, and unprofessionalism within my department or organisation ever EVER again.

Sorry. No can do.

No can go through all the stress, the misery, the isolation, the slow dismantling of every organisational value I once respected. No can do the weekends locked in my office hunting out the emails to disprove yet another lie Line Manager had fabricated to my detriment, no can do the shock of realising Remora had inveigled her way into the proceedings. No can do the impact on my poor husband, the family lunch that was ruined by me being full of fear, no can do the doctor's visits and the crying in my sleep.

I am not going to fight anyone else's battles for them.
Sorry.
I just can't.