After a delightful two week sojourn away from the Town Hall, I am forced to return because we have a "team" meeting. I would endeavour to skive off somehow; except that I have arranged to bring a guest to it - a straight-talking (yes! another Northerner....) female police officer with whom I am now coming into contact on a regular basis.
I collect Female Police Officer from reception, and by the time we have wended our way through the building site into which the Town Hall has now transformed itself, we are the last to arrive at the meeting.
There are only two free seats around the entire table. Line Manager demonstrates unusual civility (unusual, in that he has never demonstrated this characteristic to me) and ushers Female Police Officer into the seat next to himself. As he is chairing the meeting, this is only right and fitting so I head past them and only then register that the other empty seat is directly next to Remora.
(Ah! Remora. Thereby hangs a tale etc etc etc...)
I am unable to avoid the unavoidable, and gain some consolation from the fact that on my other side sits Private Colleague - a woman with whom I have always felt great affinity, and whose quiet external demeanour conceals a razor sharp brain and great wit. (The only thing preventing me from a closer relationship with Private Colleague is I have never been quite sure of how intimate she is with Remora...)
After Female Police Officer has finished her agenda item, I escort her to the main entrance. Upon returning to the meeting, I pause outside listening to what sounds like a violent altercation within. Good God! What can be happening? All is revealed when I enter to witness Remora in Full Flight Mode, performing her famed Screaming Banshee act.
What has prompted this, you ask?
Why has Remora ratcheted up the volume??
Has Ex-Army Man squeezed her a**e or Line Manager slapped her round the chops???
No. Upon further aural investigation, it appears that Remora has embarked upon one of her screeching, melodramatic monologues for no reason whatsoever ! Comme d'habitude.
I could now sit down next to Line Manager - and two minutes later I rather wish I had. Because politeness leads me back to my original seat where I am then forced to sit in close proximity to Remora's terrifying crescendo. Thanking God for a convenient hairstyle, I subtly slip my palms beneath the curtains on either side of my face, as if I am resting my chin on my hands. I am finding the whole performance quite disturbing, and examine the other attendees' faces in turn, wondering why no-one appears to be reacting to what is clearly a case of incipient hysteria.
Not a flicker.
I experience that weird sensation of swimming through a vat of treacle, barely able to move my limbs - a feeling of disconnection from reality...
Later, Life Coach Colleague (who has just returned from holiday) rings me for a chat and to fill me in on all his news. We move onto the subject of that afternoon's meeting.
"Ha ha ha!" he chortles. "Your body language was so funny! Do you know - at one point, it looked as though you had your fingers in your ears!"
"Ah," I tell him. "Hmmm. Oh dear. The thing is - I did. I did have my fingers in my ears".
I think I might need to grow my hair a wee bit longer....
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