Exploiting Politeness

 Oh - an email from Personnel has just popped up in my inbox!

Personnel has now returned from holiday, and is kindly taking the time to communicate to me her hope that the mediation was "helpful".

Helpful ?
Mmmmmm.

I wonder how much it has cost the organisation to finally capitulate and stump up for professional mediation, albeit two years after I first asked for it. From my own researches, I suspect the bill will have come to around £1,500 (obviously my employers never use any contractor, unless they are proven to be the very cheapest available...)

I wonder, too, what Personnel actually believes will have emerged positively from this reluctant expenditure.

New Boss told me some months ago that he was confident I would soon get back onto friendly terms with Line Manager and Spiteful Manager. Stepford Employee politely murmured something about thinking this "very unlikely", while internally Real Woman ran amok screaming "upon what planet do you reside, you bloody halfwit? I am only friendly with people who are nice to me".

But one good thing does seem to have come out of the mediation experience. Line Manager appears to have taken on board my request that he never again attempt to have a conversation with me about anything other than work matters. Because I have now had the opportunity to tell him that he is not my friend and never will be.

So he knows that I don't want to chat to him about the weather, or what was on telly last night, or the Olympics. That I don't want to walk to meetings in his company, or chit chat over the coffee machine. I don't want to reminisce with him about former colleagues, or hear about his holiday. And I most certainly don't want to tell him about mine.

Being able to articulate my desire that we establish crystal clear boundaries around the managerial relationship means that I no longer tense up whenever he comes near me; because the bookends of our work discussions are now simply "good morning" and "thank you".

A friend recently recommended a book called "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin de Becker. In it, he talks about the way in which male stalkers manipulate women by trading on their innate tendency to politeness. Although my own circumstances are different, I have long felt that the managerial bullies I work with constantly exploit their confidence in my courteousness and self-restraint. Hence Line Manager's attempts to engage me in social conversation in front of other people have, I believe, been a cynical exercise to demonstrate that he is a palsy-walsy and affable chap, while I am just an uptight and unfriendly b*tch.

I have found it extremely stressful to maintain a neutral and professional demeanour every time he has done this. Because the hypocrisy of it all - and my inability to respond as I would wish to - has made me feel quite ill.

But now Line Manager is under no illusion about what I think and feel.

I ponder whether to email Personnel back and let her know that in one respect mediation has been very helpful indeed. It has significantly increased the distance between myself and Line Manager.

And for that, I am truly thankful.