Presentiments

After last week's diagnosis of Situational Anxiety by my GP, I emailed Personnel and very politely and apologetically withdrew from all plans to set up a formal mediation session with Line Manager.

But because I didn't want to enter into further discussion or negotiation, or be put under any more pressure, I composed this email with great care; making sure it was measured and courteous, but above all decisive.

So I feel vexed today when I receive another email from Personnel requesting that I ring her to discuss the matter. I could ignore her request entirely. In fact I consider this option for several hours, before finally picking up the phone. And the reason I don't want to talk to Personnel ? I know she is going to try to get me to change my mind.

And so it proves.

I start off with a polite hello, but within seconds Personnel is advising me (in her considerable wisdom) that I am making the wrong decision, and that mediation is going to help me.

Really?

I leave long silences which Personnel fills with babbling; offering her apologies for having taken so long to set up the mediation session. "Mmmmmm," I say, forebearing to point out that I first asked for mediation in September 2010 when it might have actually made a difference. She asks lots of other questions too.

Personnel: how your "management meetings" going?
Me: They are adequate for the purpose

Personnel: Can you say what your issues still are?
Me: I would prefer to discuss them with someone who has a medical qualification or who has some experience in dealing with stress

Personnel: If this is work-related, you need to discuss this with your managers
Me: Thank you. I have already tried to have that conversation and it proved unproductive.

Personnel: How is your relationship with Line Manager these days?
Me: It is functional, adequate and professional

Personnel: How often are you going to the Town Hall?
Me: As little as possible, but as often as I need to in order to carry out my work programme.

Yes, agreed, I am not exactly making things easy for Personnel ! - but sheesh, I feel I am entitled to demonstrate a degree of froideur in the circs. Wearying of the interrogation, which shows no signs of letting up, I decide to seize the initiative.

"I show up!" I say."I do my job. What more does the organisation require of me?"
Personnel doesn't appear to have thought the matter through; but eventually offers up the suggestion that maybe the organisation would like to see me "happier".

Good Lord.

Thankfully Agnes Grey's lessons are still fresh in my mind, and enable me to get through the next part of the conversation with impressive restraint.

"I used to be happy at work", I tell her. "In fact I used to be an exceptionally high achiever who was free of anxiety, depression and fear. But sadly the events of the past year have changed all that. And because this organisation has totally failed to challenge the endemic bullying culture which includes senior managers among its proponents, there is little likelihood that my situation is ever going to change".

Personnel offers up a few final words of wisdom, concluding with the words "If it was me, I wouldn't take any notice of being bullied".

At this, I am unable to keep a note of sharp asperity out of my voice.

"Ah," I say. "But you're not me, are you Personnel? So you will surely agree that you are ill-placed to judge my feelings, my reactions or my perceptions. The only person who can do that is ME".

Personnel babbles on a little longer, but half-heartedly (and I have stopped listening anyway). I regretted calling her two minutes after the start of the call, and it has now dragged on for almost an hour, following a script I could have written out word for word in advance.

It's now 5pm and we conclude the conversation by mutual agreement.

Ten minutes later I have switched off my computer and have left the office. My plans for the evening are: spending half an hour at home with my husband, jumping on a train for a couple of hours' rehearsal with the cast of the play, meeting up with my husband again for a curry, and then watching a late night (preferably crappy) film on telly.

So Personnel's wishes are granted! Knowing I do not have to engage with the toxic side of work for the next 60 hours makes me very VERY happy indeed. In fact I would go so far as to describe my mood as ecstatic.