Confusing Kindness with Stupidity...

A great chat coming back in the car last night. I have known my fellow companion for almost 20 years - he is my husband's closest friend. He tells me a tale about recently being deceived by a neighbour with regards to a planning application. I have such a similar tale to relate myself, it is almost spooky !

In both instances, we dispensed with the services of solicitors after having been assured by the other party that they were entirely trustworthy and that we could rely upon what they said. Only to later discover that they had lied through their teeth.

There is clearly a Moral lurking in here somewhere....

My husband's friend says "I worry that I might be seen as too nice".

What a terrible indictment of humanity, I think.
That in order to survive, we have to be less nice.

Cripes.

I tell him that when I discovered the other party had lied to me, I experienced something akin to mild shock symptoms. I simply could not believe that someone could have looked me in the eye, smiled, and asked after my family; while all the time they were plotting to do the dirty on me. Husband's Friend admits to being assailed by similar sense of unreality at the point when light dawned.

When I spoke to my GP about the impact of Line Manager's conduct upon me, he asked what I would have done in similar circumstances. I said I would have admitted to what I had done and told the truth. Whereupon GP laughed (quite a lot, as I recall !!) and assured me that 99% of people would act precisely as Line Manager had acted - ie they would have done everything possible to save their own skins, regardless of the damage to other people.

Oh - New Boss took a similar view! When I tried to explain to him that my relationship with Line Manager was now damaged beyond repair because of what he had done, he airily informed me "you would have done the same".

SORRY. NO. I WOULDN'T HAVE DONE.
And neither would my husband, or Husband's Friend.
Or any of the people I choose to spend my time with, quite honestly.

It's not that we are saints. It's not that we are religious zealots. It's not that we are morally righteous (although I'm sure it suits others to call us so). It is simply that we have all found we cannot live any other way and live with ourselves.

So - yes, I still find it painful, and shocking, and upsetting when I am lied to, or abused, or mistreated. But eventually I get over it. And when I do, I am entirely capable of standing up for myself.

Because the other thing Husband's Friend and I talked about last night was how outraged the other parties always are when we finally react to having been deceived. When we finally contact solicitors, phone the police, take out a grievance, or just turn round and say NO. It is as if our initial openness and kindness has lulled the other parties into thinking we are totally unable to stand up for ourselves, and exist just to be exploited.

As Life Coach Colleague once so brilliantly phrased it:
"People confuse kindness with stupidity".

But only for so long.