Living in the Present

Scotland. It's not Siberia so I don't know why I seem unable to access the internet where I am staying. After endeavouring fruitlessly to set up a laptop station in every room in the house, I give up and concentrate upon just living in the present. This involves undertaking various tasks for elderly relatives - pinning up rose bushes threatening to overwhelm the path, going to Morrisons, and holding a ladder while my husband makes a precarious ascent into the loft.

I am struggling to live in the present right now, because my mind keeps sailing off to far flung shores. Shores where the map is marked "here be dragons".

I really REALLY don't want to go back to work. Or rather - I really don't want to set foot back in the main office (because the actual day-to-day work is fine). But in two days time I have to sit through another pointless "management meeting" with New Boss and Line Manager which will necessitate A Visit To The Town Hall. I am starting to feel extremely phobic about this encounter - probably because of the sheer impossibility of me being able to communicate how I am really feeling. Because I don't trust these people and they have no concern for my well-being.

To illustrate the above, and to demonstrate that I am not a completely paranoid headcase:

Last September, I went to see Former Boss and told him I felt totally unable to cope with attending a meeting the following day in the company of Line Manager - someone who was at the time merrily fabricating lies about me in order to defend his own invidious actions (later to be found worthy of a formal reprimand). Former Boss's sensitive response to my heartfelt and desperate plea for his support and understanding was to insist that I attend the meeting!

Eight months later, memories of sitting through that meeting for ninety minutes, battling feelings of chronic anxiety and panic, are still all-too horribly vivid. And the signs which prefaced that last incident are beginning to surface again.

- I'm lying awake at night, unable to sleep
- I am feeling breathless and anxious
- There is a sensation of a giant hand pressing on my chest
- And my thoughts run round and round in endless circles

Yes, I know these are symptoms of chronic anxiety and stress. I know they are just irrational feelings which do not represent reality. But despite this knowledge, I am struggling to be master of my own kingdom.

Until 5pm, when my husband's friend rings and asks if I would like to come to a meeting of our "support group" with him that evening.

Would I ?
Would I ??!

The meeting is only 90 minutes long, but the half hour chat in the car on the way there, the half hour chat on the way back, and the talk over tea all three of us have back at the house together, represents 4 hours of living in the present and provides my anxiety with the best curative treatment available.

Current Symptoms = mild to moderate
Prognosis = excellent