Becher's Brook

I'm sitting at a Saturday morning Support Group meeting, with my young friend Leslie and another friend (mobile phone entry: Jo Inner Circle) listening to a great speaker talking about the importance of constantly reviewing and monitoring one's own thinking, reactions and conduct. I don't know why I am so receptive to this speaker's message, but it is while listening to him that I experience the peculiar sensation of my thinking altering in an instant (a not uncommon happening).

I realise that I am expecting people at work to be something they are not. And that what they are, has absolutely nothing to do with me.

After the meeting, Jo and I have arranged to spend the day together. Obviously the first item on the agenda is getting to our destination and then looking for a nice place to have lunch. A funky vegan place holds immediate appeal for both of us, so we settle ourselves at a table to continue our conversation while awaiting our polenta and roasted veg.

Jo (otherwise known as my Stylish Friend Jo) has a sharp intelligence and a quirky original way of putting things. I value her opinion and always benefit from running things past her. She is in the middle of telling me one of her amusing stories when she realises that she has said something which reveals some conflict around another person.

"Oh my God!' she says. "Hear that? I think I've got a wee resentment!! Hang on while I just get over it". She does a split second impression of riding a horse over a jump, and then continues with her story while I laugh at her effortless humour.

But afterwards, when we arrive at the crafts fair and are browsing among the jewellery, and textiles and ceramics; her little mime pops back into my head. And I have a vision of myself cantering round and round a race track alongside all the people I know; and all of us having to ride our horses over the things which obstruct and impede us from leading successful, happy lives. Over fears, and over grudges, and over misunderstandings. Because if we keep balking at the hurdles, we are going to stay stuck.

And I realise, to a degree that I have not yet fully understood, that my GREAT BIG HUGE RESENTMENT towards my employers is blocking me from getting on with the rest of my life.

It's so intimidating a hurdle that I can't get my horse to jump over it. Instead I fall off, and get hurt, and end up battered and bruised, and too scared to have another go. Time after time after time.

But over the rest of the weekend, I make a decision to have another go at leaping this obstacle so I can get on with the rest of the race.

I'm going to need a hard hat and a very strong horse.
Because this is going to be one of my biggest ever challenges.
This.
This is my Becher's Brook.