Keeping One's Own Counsel

I was in Sainsburys about ten years ago when I bumped into someone from Before. As in - the world I used to inhabit prior to the life-changing experience which led me eventually to a new "career" (I use this term extremely loosely) in local government.

"Doncha miss it?" she said to me, juggling two bottles of Pinot Grigio, a ready meal and three packets of Resolve. "Doncha miss all of it?"

Well, no. Funnily enough I don't miss the press nights and first nights, the parties and piss-ups, the decadence and the drudge. Because for me, they came with lots of nasty little strings attached.

There was an extraordinary lack of inhibition in that world - everyone knew who was fornicating with whom, for how long, and probably in precisely what positions. I don't suppose I was any less prone to unedited verbiage than the rest of them. After all, at an early meeting of my "support group" I came across someone else from Before who said "I remember you. You were f***ing MAD". (And there was me thinking I was a much-envied member of London's glitterati....)

Yet at work now, I have the reputation of being someone "extremely private" (so sayeth Personnel, and she should know). And why do I avoid telling people at work much about myself? Well, let's see:

- I guess I feel I have Things To Hide
- I work in an environment dominated by middle-aged men in suits who are already about as sexist and patronising as any I have ever come across - so why stack the odds any higher?
- I have no confidence that I would be viewed with compassion or understanding; I rather believe that I will be judged. And harshly.
- I am a different person now, so talking about the past would actually misrepresent me
- I just want work to be about the work

But - oh dear! - some years ago I broke my own code of silence. I actually confided in a female colleague - one I thought I was close to and could trust. So it was the most horrible shock to realise that Remora (for yes, it was she) was not who she pretended to be. And that while I had been blithely entrusting my secrets to her, she had been carefully storing them up for future use.

Extremely private? Sheesh, you bet your sweet bippy I am "extremely private". I am happy to talk about any aspect of Before with my friends, at meetings of my support group, and with the women I am helping. Hell - I have stood up in front of 200 strangers and talked about Before. But work is entirely different.

At work I am just the Stepford Employee.
She only exists in the present.
There is no Before.