I know not "seems"

My young friend Leslie rings for a chat (she has asked me to support her on her journey towards "normality", little realising that she is also helping me, and far more than she will ever know). Leslie asks if people sometimes treat me in a distant manner based on how I look and talk. I burst out laughing.

"Oh God, YES!" I tell her. "All the time!!"

This even happens with members of my support group. Frequently, when I am giving the main talk at a meeting, someone kindly takes the trouble to inform me that when they first met me they felt instant loathing because I appeared to be someone without a care in the world.

I guess I shouldn't be altogether surprised that this reaction to me is replicated endlessly as I go through life, and most especially in the workplace. I have no defence against it. But I have never quite worked out how I so successfully manage to hide what is actually going on inside my head.

"So may the outward shows be least themselves....."

Two examples within the past 24 hours:

1) I receive a call on my personal mobile from a "gentleman" (I use the term loosely) who works for a local estate agents. He is attempting to discuss a matter which is currently being handled by my solicitor. I remind him of this and state that I won't be commenting. He becomes unpleasant and makes silly meaningless threats. I terminate the phone call.

Impression given:
That I am fully in control, that I know my own mind, that I won't be bullied

Reality:
I develop severe anxiety and breathlessness during the phone call, struggle to control my voice, and afterwards my hands shake for 20 minutes.

2) My office phone rings and when I pick it up, I hear Line Manager's voice on the end of it. He asks me about a work matter. I respond as helpfully and politely as I can, but using the minimum of words. I ask if there is anything else, and when the answer is negative, say goodbye.

Impression given:
That I am professional and courteous, but continuing to maintain a cool distance from Line Manager.

Reality:
I feel troubled, anxious and unsettled; my responses feel unnatural and weird; and I am extremely relieved when the phone call comes to an end.

Why I should struggle with my portrayal of Stepford Employee is quite beyond me, as I am evidently adept at seeming to cope with life. But my responses do not denote me truly.

                                      "these indeed seem
For they are actions that a man might play;"

 Maybe I would be more popular if I revealed what was going on inside my head.
But I doubt I would survive for very long.