I really really do not want to pursue the mediation process in relation to Line Manager. But I am "caught het" as my husband would say. Because I am the one who asked for this in the first place.
So now I feel completely trapped, and that I have no option but to continue.
My reasons for wanting to discontinue are not based on "apprehension" as Personnel would have it. It is more a case of apathy.
1. I first asked for mediation in September 2010. At the time the organisation was not willing to pay for it.
2. Things between Line Manager and myself continued to deteriorate, culminating in a horrible incident last September.
3. Following a protracted grievance process that, while found in my favour, caused me so much stress I suffered a Mental Health Episode; I was assured in March 2012 that mediation would be arranged as soon as possible.
4. Nothing happened for weeks, and now are limping along so slowly that mediation is now being proposed for the end of July.
What to say to Personnel and the Hierarchy now?
"There is a tide in the affairs of men,
Which, taken at the flood, leads on to fortune;
Omitted, all the voyage of their life
Is bound in shallows and in miseries.
On such a full sea are we now afloat,
And we must take the current when it serves,
Or lose our ventures"....?
I feel that we all managed to miss this tide approximately two years ago, and that if I take it now, I will be swept away to a country I no longer have much interest in visiting.
Personnel email me the telephone number of the "mediator", suggesting that I call her for reassurance. In order to show willing, I ring said number later that day.
Almost every interaction is governed by someone's agenda. Mediator appears pleasant, brisk and helpful; but - let's face it ! - this gig represents paid employment and an entree to one of London's most highly rated local authorities. So when she advises me to go ahead as it is not going to make things any worse, I want to start doing my "mmm" thing.
But because she speaks intelligently and directly, I end up telling her exactly why mediation has started to seem pointless.
- I am fairly happy with the newly drawn relationship with Line Manager (distant, work-focused, professional)
- I have no interest in developing a closer bond with him
- I have absolutely no confidence he will maintain confidentiality about the proceedings
- above all, I believe he will divulge information to someone I really don't want to know anything about me (nb: Remora - my implacable enemy for the past 4 years)
- mediation will involve me exposing myself and becoming vulnerable
- the very thought of this makes me feel breathless and anxious
- I've lost sight of why I ever wanted to go through the process in the first place.
At the end of this monologue, Mediator says it is entirely up to me (well, yes. It is). But she picks up on my comment that I feel completely isolated from everyone I work with. And observes that clearly I have totally withdrawn in order to protect myself.
Protecting myself is now my primary consideration when in the proximity of a Certain Group of People. It's not what I first envisaged when I took up a job in local government - an environment I imagined to be insular, safe and friendly.
Who knew?
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