My Comfort Zone

Unexpectedly, I see my lovely GP today. We are both attending an event in our work capacities. I don't approach him, figuring that this might inappropriately transgress boundaries; but he demonstrates no such sensibilities, calling out my name when he sees me and making sure that I speak to him.

There is something slightly surreal about standing in the middle of a busy room chatting about the event we're attending; when only a short while ago I was sitting in his office crying so hard that I could barely breathe. Naturally, neither of us alludes to this incident (there are some boundaries which must never be breached...)

He thinks I look well. I tell him feel good because I am in my own environment, where I am completely safe. He jokes that he is outside his own comfort zone. God, he's gorgeous. If he was not my GP, he would be the easiest man in the world to flirt with. But he is my medical advisor - and an exceptionally good one. I am incredibly lucky to be on his patient list.

He is not the only person at the event who knows me. There are some local politicians there, community leaders, and Council colleagues from other departments. Some of them kindly compliment me in public about the work I do. The atmosphere overall is cheerful and upbeat. I have lots of interesting conversations and find myself laughing a lot.

There is an older lady sitting on a chair to the side and I suddenly recognise her as Jamelia - a former work colleague who retired about six years ago. She is with a friend so I hover until a suitable break arises and I can introduce myself. Jamelia greets me with touching warmth, holding my hand for ages and asking if we can have a photograph taken together. She asks me for news of our department, and I tell her what has been happening in the past few years, most recently Former Boss's retirement, and the arrival of New Boss.

I don't tell her about the orchestrated bullying, about the behaviour of Spiteful Manager (her former line manager), about the horrendous schism which has arisen between the Decent People and The Others, or that the senior management team abandoned any pretence of proper leadership the day Senior Female Colleague was unceremoniously shunted into retirement against her will.

Why upset her? I tell her everything is fine.

She gives me a hug. "You are a lovely person" she says. "You were always very kind to me. I think you are really lovely".

I endured the behaviour of The Others for months without being reduced to locking myself in the loos and crying, but when Jamelia says these words to me, I really don't know how I manage to stop myself from bursting into tears.