Family Matters

What is this managerial obsession with FAMILY ??

If I had a tenner for every time a guv'nor has said to me 'we're just one big happy family here,' I would be on a road trip across America right now...

New Boss revealed his allegiance to this managerial myth the second time I met him. My first encounter, remember, was when I sat with him and Former Boss on the first day back at work after my Mental Health Episode. That was when I picked up a plastic cup of water - sensitively provided to help me get through the ordeal - and I had to put it down again because my hand was shaking so badly. When my breath kept catching because of the anxiety rising up in my throat and threatening to choke me. And the very same momentous occasion when I asked Former Boss if anything was going to be done about Spiteful Manager's ghastly behaviour towards me, and he replied without turning a hair "that's the first time you have ever mentioned that person's name to me". 

!!?!**!?*

(yes, Personnel Officer nearly fell off her chair when I told her that one).

So now here we are in my office, and New Boss starts saying things like:

 "You need to move on". (translation: "I want you to move on because I can't be arsed to deal with this shit when it's only my second week in post"); 

"I think you may have been imagining some of these things". (translation: "it's easier to label you a basket case than to admit that we have some deep-rooted personality problems within the department"); and 

"Things are going to change under my watch". (translation: "I will do exactly what Former Boss did ie hang around until the early hours drinking with the poorest performing members of the department and bitching about you!"):

This is all taking place before my transformation into a Stepford Employee, so although I would love to frankly opine on his helpful psychiatric assessments, I hold back in a manner appropriate to a member of staff meeting her new HoD. I hold back - until New Boss finally comes out with that fateful phrase:

"I WANT US ALL TO BE A FAMILY".

I rise. I indicate that he should follow me. I take him across to the other side of my office and the huge cork-board upon which dozens of photographs have been neatly drawing-pinned. The smiling faces shine upon me. My wonderful husband; the rock and mainstay of my life. My beautiful, hilarious sisters. My mum (deaf as a post, but the best dressed eighty year old I know). My three delightful nieces (yes, even the one who has mutated into a Gothic moody teenager looks adorable in her ripped T with skulls on it!). My three nephews - variously playing the guitar, running around the rugger pitch, and dressed up for the lead in their school productions. My two brothers-in-law - both terrific dads. I look at this array of stylish, hard working, intelligent, amusing, loving, compassionate and deeply loyal people and I feel incredibly blessed.

"This," I say. "This is my family. I don't need another one".