Hot and bothered

Out tonight with my friend Sue. We go and see the new Johnny Depp film "Dark Shadows", managing to eat an entire bagful of jelly snakes before the film has even started. Sue is also a public sector employee, from the same type of environment as my friend Lynn. Sue and I have several other things in common, most notably that neither of us has drunk alcohol for some years.

Sue possesses the rare ability to remain calm and good-humoured under duress. In fact she has many admirable qualities which I feel would greatly enhance my Stepford Employee role, if only I could mimic them convincingly. Even when we are forced to queue for ages to pay for our jelly snakes, she is able to joke in a friendly manner with the chap serving. I, on the other hand, can feel myself getting increasingly irritable at the long wait we are enduring (when there are all those commercials and trailers to watch!)

Come to think of it, I have felt lurking irritation for much of the day. I blame the heat, but in fact it is my twin character defects of impatience and intolerance rearing their ugly heads. Only this lunchtime, an exceptionally voluble Lithuanian tried to jump ahead of me when I was waiting to order my coffee; and I felt my inner Lady Bracknell coming out ("do you mind....?????" with voice rising incrementally in pitch and volume, and at least three non-existent vowels incorporated into the last word).

At one point during the very helpful counselling prescribed by Occupational Health back in February, I came to the conclusion that work was the only place I felt I could never truly be myself. I felt so constrained by the impossibility - on pain of being handed my P45 - of saying what I really wanted to say, that I believed it was this very bondage which had actually made me ill. Outside work, I think I am far more relaxed, frank and consistent.

But now, armed with my new Coping Strategy, I am learning to do what the rest of my co-workers do. (I admit I have some way to go before I become proficient at playing a two-faced, back-stabbing, hypocrite but hey - give me time!! I am still comparatively new to this Stepford game...)

When the film ends, Sue and I go for a coffee and catch up with each other's news. I tell her that Personnel have finally sent me through some dates for the mediation session with Line Manager but that I have not yet responded. It's a tricky one. Do I, don't I..? Should I, could I...? He loves me, he loves me not...?

I have many reservations about mediation now, doubting Line Manager's ability to maintain confidentiality (crucial, if this is to work) but mainly because I am starting to get more and more used to "not truly being myself". Mediation will challenge my Stepford Employee persona, because the temptation to say what I really think might prove to be overwhelming.

I'm keeping a lid on things at the moment. But if the temperature rises unexpectedly, things might suddenly explode. And Stepford Employee might vanish in a puff of smoke...