Looking Back and Looking Forward

Almost exactly a year ago, I was on holiday with my husband, staying in a small pension at the foot of the Pyrenees . The pension was in a spa town I had visited before - a place I love - but the entire holiday was dominated by the fact that a week before we left, I had read Former Boss's "Investigative Report" concerning my complaint against Line Manager.

For bullying.

Now I don't know what exactly I had been expecting - a fair, impartial review of the facts of the case. perhaps? - but not yet having read the experiences of @bulliedbyboss and others, I was completely unprepared for the experience of being succinctly hung out to dry in 5 closely written pages.

Looking back on things, I can see that Former Boss was perhaps clutching at straws when he included in his formal report the fact that I had apparently sat all through a meeting "looking a bit distant", and that I had sent an email from my Blackberry during another meeting. But he also stated that I refused to speak to my colleagues (untrue!) and that I had refused to work on a project (also untrue!!). It contained lie after insinuation after lie. Indeed the entire thrust of Former Boss's report was to discredit me, and state I was deliberately maligning Line Manager because I was jealous of him. There was no mention of the two year history of my recorded concerns about Line Manager's conduct, or my exemplary performance record.

I didn't recognise the person he was describing, and I certainly didn't recognise the person who had written it.

Thank God I was with my sister when I read Former Boss's Investigative Report, because I started shaking so badly, she had to get me to sit down. I started shaking because I realised that this had become about something far more significant than Line Manager's conduct towards me. This was now a battle between myself and the might of Anonymous Council. And it was not a battle I felt confident of winning.

During a hastily convened meeting with my Director and Personnel, I managed to successfully contest Former Boss's account and get Director to agree that the matter would be re-investigated by an officer outside our department.

And then a week later Husband and I went away on our annual holiday.

I don't suppose Husband looks back on it as one of our better vacations. I woke up every night between 3am and 4am, and although I tried to be very quiet, inevitably I managed to disturb him by tossing and turning. During the days I suffered regular anxiety attacks, was tearful, and constantly talked about what was happening at work. I was afraid to go back, and as the day for our return neared, I became more and more upset; telling him I didn't think I was going to be able to cope. Towards the end of our trip, he even woke to hear me crying in my sleep. What was happening to me managed to spoil his holiday too.

Bullying.
It affects the whole family.

But a year later, I can see how things have changed. I am walking along Margaret Bridge at night, looking across the river at the beautifully illuminated Hungarian Parliament buildings, and holding Husband's hand. And I haven't mentioned work or my less-than-lovely co-workers to him once.

And unlike a year ago, my main thoughts concerning my eventual return to London have nothing to do with my workplace, but rather focus on the fact that rehearsals for the amateur drama production I've managed to get a part in will be starting ! I've brought the script away with me, along with books "Bullied By The Boss" and "A Woman of Valour". Because I am using this holiday to build my resilience and re-connect with my sense of self.

Yes.
This is a very different type of trip to the one of 12 months ago.
And I am a very different person.