Climbing Mountains

Whenever I think I haven't progressed very far, I try and remember the story I once heard about two people climbing up a mountain. One pauses half way up and says despondently "look how far we've got to go," and the other says "but look how far we've come....."

It's now been just over a year since Line Manager's "normal" sarcasm, undermining and credit-stealing escalated into blatant bullying, culminating in him shouting at me in front of other colleagues including an 18 year old intern (my, that was a fabulous introduction to the world of the adult workplace for the poor chap). And the past twelve months have been some of the most difficult and stressful I have ever had to cope with.

Submitting my initial complaint was hard enough, but when it belatedly dawned on me that my Head of Department was prepared to merrily perjure himself and bury me in order to ensure Line Manager's survival, the real nightmare started.

It took months for the matter to be properly investigated, months for the disciplinary hearing to be scheduled, and then months for it to finally take place while I became more and more depressed, stressed and obsessed. And when, the day immediately after the hearing, Spiteful Manager decided to launch a vicious bullying campaign of his own, I suffered a Mental Health Episode and was signed off work for five weeks.

Looking back, it is easy to forget that despite every attempt made to totally discredit me, something astonishing happened.

My complaint against Line Manager was upheld.

This evening I give the main talk at a Support Group meeting and touch on my experiences over the past year. And I hear myself say "but the cost was too high".

Was it?
Was the cost of that "victory" too high........?

On the last two nights of our holiday, I woke Husband up at 3am because I was having nightmares about going back to work. I still suffer from breathlessness, agitation and fear in certain work situations, and it has become so normal for me to have a headache, that I barely notice them anymore. So - yes - I do find questions floating around my brain. Questions like "was it all worth it?" and "am I ever going to get completely better?"

But today I found myself over at the Town Hall chatting to Private Colleague and Maternal Colleague, and I felt relaxed instead of paranoid. I actually managed to share a few holiday anecdotes with New Boss. And for some minutes today, I was alone in the office with Spiteful Manager and I didn't feel excessively stressed about it.

Then I think of the other things which have sustained me over the past week. "Madame Butterfly" at the Prague State Opera (seats in a box for only £35 each!); "As You Like It" at the Globe along with some other actors from the amateur theatre company I have joined; and the fact that thanks to my attendance at yesterday evening's community choir rehearsal, I can now sing a song all the way through - in Bulgarian !!!

This isn't the life I had a year ago.
It is better than the life I had a year ago.

So I am not going to think about how far I've got to go.
I am going to think about how far I have come.