A meeting with my new boss today - he is feeding back to me about a 'situation' I have experienced in the office (I prefer that word to 'problem'. Even though 'problem' is probably far more apposite...)
I'm dressed entirely in black and wearing a black leather jacket. His first words to me are 'you're dressed all in black'. Me: 'That's very observant of you'. We have barely exchanged ten words and already I feel I have slipped off the Fluffy-O-Meter. Our IT chap is busy in New Boss's office so he suggests we 'go somewhere for a cup of coffee'.
It is raining so my carefully straightened and Not At All Mad hair style is instantly destroyed. We go to a major coffee chain and have our 'confidential' meeting right beside three women who are admiring each other's babies. New Boss appreciates that I may have been the 'victim' of some spiteful colleague behaviour. I am a bit obsessed with precise use of vocabulary today and tell him that I am not a victim, I am a "target". We don't dwell much upon semantics because it doesn't take long for him to inform me that he isn't going to take any action against Spiteful Manager. It is exactly as I predicted. He hands me a letter saying he has written it all out for me officially. 'Thank you' I say, and put it in my bag unread.
The meeting is now over as far as I am concerned, but of course I now have to sit and finish my cup of tea and chat about the situation. He reassures me that under his watch, there will be changes to the organisational culture. Really? The organisational culture hasn't altered since approximately 1960. The place is still run by dreary men with enormous egos, which is why we are the second worst organisation in our field in terms of senior female managers. Still, I try and adopt my best Katharine Ross expression (the one at the end of the film, when she's wheeling her trolley through the supermarket....).
I'm not going to pretend I give a good performance. In fact it is extremely sub-standard. Possibly because he keeps saying slightly deranged things like 'I want us all to be a family' and 'I'm sure you can be friends with Spiteful Manager once this has all died down' and as a result I keep reverting back to A Real Woman (one whose smile becomes very strained and who says things like 'actually, I am only friends with people who are pleasant to me').
Bugger. I KNEW I should have worn a pinafore.
Still - later I arrive back in the main office, and interestingly some Stepford effects have lingered. As I approach the door, I see the office sociopath (Remora) on the point of leaving. 'Hello' she says. 'Hi!' I respond breezily, warmly - and totally insincerely. God, that sounded quite good! I even convinced myself !!
I continue on past without breaking my stride, sit down at my desk and put on my iPod. I then spend the rest of the afternoon happily listening to a concert of Baroque pieces performed by the Academy of Ancient Music, and giving a merry little wave when anyone walks past my desk.
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