It would appear that there has been some kind of intervention from on high; possibly pointing out to the "team" that organising office outings which deliberately exclude certain colleagues might not show them in the best light. I don't want to rain on everyone's parade, so I am fighting the urge to start sounding like Brewer's Dictonary of Phrase and Fable and coming out with sententious utterances like "The Damage Has Been Done" and "There Is No Point Closing the Stable Door After the Horse Has Bolted".
But why have they excluded you? I hear you ask. Are you a nasty, vile, person who is loathed by everyone who encounters you? Why, why. why?
Why indeed. It is all down to Remora of course - whose ability to manipulate and bamboozle others continues to leave me breathless. It has been a peculiar experience to be demonised within my own working environment, especially as it has represented such a staggering contrast to the way I am treated outside it. I am not exactly Mother Teresa but I do spend a significant proportion of my non-work time doing what for the sake of simplicity I will call Voluntary Work, with and for people who seem to like and respect me. This could not be further from my experience in the office..
When I asked one of these colleagues a year or so ago why I was being excluded, he said "we don't invite you because you don't drink".
?????
Sheesh.
I said that funnily enough "not drinking" did not make me a complete social leper and that I was just as capable of having a good time as he was. But I was wasting my breath, because the reason he had given me wasn't the real one. I spent months agonising over what on earth I had done to upset them all; until Former Boss told me not to worry, they were just jealous! (great, thanks for doing something about that, pal....)
But now - goodness me, I could be out and about with them all at least once a week if I didn't already have a diary full of things I really really want to do.
The most startling invitation actually came from Remora herself - would I like to come and have a meal at her house along with The Jackals?! (Answer on the Tip of my Tongue: "No I would rather insert sharpened bamboo shards under my eyelids"). On that particular occasion I didn't respond, but I did spend several entertaining minutes manipulating her invitation, and with judicious use of scissors transforming it into a cunning origami fold-out of a witch astride a broomstick.
But this week's invitation, extended as has now become the norm to the whole office, is from Stylish Female Colleague - someone I rather like and respect. An outing to a pub to see some stand-up comedy in a couple of months time - apparently we must Book Now as tickets are going fast. I might consider going to such a thing in the company of Stylish Female Colleague, but alas the deal is that we go as a group. A group which includes bullies.
I mentally run through my list of polite declinations. (a) I will be watching television that night (b) I plan to wash my hair (c) umm, you never know, I might be having wild sex with someone I have picked up at the bus stop....
In the end I plump for the truth and send Stylish Female Colleague a quick email. 'I already have a commitment on that date. But I hope you all have a wonderful evening'.
Astonishingly, I mean what I say.
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