Moving Forward

I'm connecting up with lots of Support Group newcomers at the moment.

It's a constant inspiration to listen to them groping towards the truth, and hear their determination to recover. But they often demonstrate a maelstrom of emotions. And over the past couple of days, I have begun to see that I am replicating their patterns in my own "recovery" from being bullied.

Their first emotion is disbelief - this can't be happening to me. Why me? Why can't I be like everyone else?

Then comes blame - it's all their fault this is happening to me, they are mistreating me, they don't understand.

Overwhelming sensations of fear about the future - where is it all leading, what's going to happen to me?

Anger - my old way of life has been destroyed and someone is going to have to pay

Then finally the relief that comes with acceptance - yes, I am different. But its OK.

Back in April my dominant emotions were anger and resentment.
And that's not a sustainable state of mind.

Something had to change.

Despite the bad days when sudden panic still assails me, I know that I am now starting to move forward into what I hope will be a place of safety and calm. Just as the newcomers will do.

That doesn't mean I will forget.
That doesn't mean I will pretend its all OK now.
That doesn't mean I will buy into the myth that things can "go back to how they were".

But I will stop looking for any kind of justice.
And that way I won't be disappointed when it doesn't appear....