A Touch Of Nerves

Anxiety is a weird thing. It is like a nagging injury which most of the time one lives with and hardly notices. But suddenly it flares up and reminds one that it is very much still there.

Last week I started feeling uncomfortably nervous, and after spending some time pondering on what the triggers could possibly be; I stopped trying to analyse it and just accepted it. Until The Obvious rose up and gave me a sharp slap in the chops.

Line Manager was due to return from leave.

These days, on the surface my relationship with Line Manager is all I have ever wanted. Because the welcome consequence of my complaint against him being upheld, is that Line Manager knows that he cannot treat me the way he used to and get away with it.

So now:

- he speaks to me quietly and politely
- he has stopped being sarcastic
- he prefaces his emails "Katharine" instead of launching into an abrupt directive
- he actually thanks me when I send him pieces of work ! (the first time this happened, I nearly had to go home early and have a little lie down to get over the shock)
- and all our interactions are pre-planned and very carefully controlled (meetings are pre-arranged, run according to an agenda, and it has been agreed that the door to the office will always be left open)

The first time I saw him this week, I managed to deploy that reliable old stand by: "hello Line Manager" (professional, courteous and unexceptional greeting). But I didn't ask him how his holiday went, or engage in any other dialogue. The second time I saw him was at a large meeting I regularly convene, when I was able to comfortably introduce him in front of the other 20 people present. But it was after the meeting had ended, and he approached me while I was standing on my own, that I felt gripped by sudden irrational panic.

Line Manager: "I'm sorry, but I am going to have to cancel our meeting this week".
Me: "That's fine".
Line Manager: "Perhaps we can reschedule?"
Me: "Yes of course, please email me some alternative dates".

Even I can see that this interaction is completely neutral and inoffensive. But ever since our post-grievance Mediation Session, when Line Manager betrayed that he was still full of rage about what had happened, I have felt extremely wary in his presence. During mediation, Line Manager expressed anger that I had "attacked" him by having the insolence to make a complaint about him !!! (this was just after he had got angry because I said I no longer trusted him). Naturally, I responded by quietly asking him how he thought I had felt when he followed me out of his office, shouting at me in front of my colleagues, but you know - I don't think he quite "got" what I was saying...

So when I speak to Line Manager now, I know that our polite interactions are only an illusion.
I know that I am standing opposite a very angry person.
And yes - that makes me feel very anxious indeed.