Stepford Employee Unveiled

The first time my new boss met me, I had just returned to work after some time off. (I have now officially joined the ranks of those who have experienced a Mental Health Episode). This is all meant to be highly confidential, but of course I know it isn't because of the eagerness with which certain people address me, their voices taut with suppressed interest, and quite unable to sustain the faux-concern they are striving to maintain. They catch me in corridors and assume a tone they have obviously picked up from 'Holby City'. 'How are you?' they whisper, patting my arm conspiratorially. 'How are you now?'

Naturally I have spent some time that morning ensuring I am faultlessly groomed, coiffed and polished so their darting eyes will be unable to spot the Signs of Madness. And so it is with much enjoyment that I respond brightly 'I'm great, thanks! Fabulous!! How are you?'

The second time I met my new boss, about an hour into our meeting, he suddenly said 'You're quite posh, aren't you?' (this was shortly after he had told me he thought I seemed 'quite bright'). I said 'you don't know anything about me'.

I thought that was 'quite restrained' of me.

I could have said 'actually I’ve spent a night sleeping on the floor of a disabled toilet'. Or 'I lived for a year in a house which had been condemned as "uninhabitable" by my local council'. Or 'I used to take the blade out of a Bic razor and cut my arms with it'. Or ‘there was one REALLY bad night when I crawled around in my own shit and vomit'. But I thought those wee snippets of truth might perhaps upset him.

When I first started to experience severe distress symptoms in September 2011, everyone (Personnel, Occupational Health, my then Head of Department) directed me towards the organisation's Employee Counselling Service. It was free! I should take advantage of this special once-in-a-lifetime offer !!! I did keep faintly saying 'I'm not the thing which is broken. Any chance you might take a little look at a few organisational issues like bullying, the imposition of excessive workloads, the terrifyingly hopeless management....?'. But oh deary me. It was easier to just give in.

I'm very grateful that I did. I am grateful that I was allocated an intelligent, compassionate and wise counsellor. I am grateful that I was given space and time to gain some vital and possibly life-saving perspective on my situation. It has really helped me a lot (along with having lots of time off work to spend with my family doing lovely interesting happy things).

Everyone has a burning desire to be understood. Being misunderstood is very painful and frustrating. I am no exception. But the biggest mistake I have made is wanting people at work to understand me. Crazy! - because a) most of them never will b) it is not necessary that they should.

And so - slowly, slowly - I eventually came to the realisation that one copes with work by being A Stepford Employee. One who looks nice, smiles and nods at appropriate moments, acts compliantly, and  keeps one's thoughts entirely to oneself.

Or one's blog.